Blog entry for:

of service, in all that i do. back onto the topic of the speaker the other night. why that addict is consumed my 11TH STEP this morning is a good case study in who and what i am.
i will tell you how i am an addict and in recovery, without any hesitation. i also allude to my service efforts from time to time these days. in days gone by, i did more than just allude to them, i simply crowed about them and took on the mantle of the protector of the faith. as a result, when i shared, i often came off as a blow-hard, who demanded the respect and admiration for all i did. rarely did i let anyone into my life and certainly never in an open, regularly scheduled meeting. i was a self-promoter and safe from the slings and arrows of my peers in my armor of “service to the fellowship.” what i really was, was alone, isolated and “different.” my FEAR these days, is that my spiritual path will drive me back into that same situation as i conform less and less to the spiritual views of my peers. in short, i will become someone with a whole lot of clean time and very little recovery and all i will have to share about is my glorious service efforts from the past.
the reading this morning, reminded me, that is not the path i necessarily need to take and applying the power i do have, is now becoming detrimental to my spiritual health. thinking of another addict's share, i realize that my FEAR is unfounded and just part of the lies i am telling myself, to avoid moving forward. it is not FEAR of the unknown that is driving my hesitation on the brink of this step cycle, it is the fear of the very well-known process and its unknown result. when i started that last step cycle, with the focus being on my relationship with the fellowship and society, i was fairly certain that part of the result would be a diminishing of my social anxiety and awkwardness, and i was correct. i have certainly become more whole and genuine in the social arena, although there is still a whole lot of work to be done there. i did not expect the final push to leaving Western spirituality behind. nor did i expect to have to start a process that reconciles what i feel with what my peers feel, in the spiritual realm. be that as it may, that process is already chugging along and i need to get rolling on my step cycle to give it some focus and direction.
anyhow, i have plenty of windshield time to ponder this notion today and as i go through my various tasks, i will do my best to remember that i am the product of clean time and recovery work and if i want this product to be continually improved than i will have to apply the action to make that happen, just for today.

∞ DT ∞