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are two words that were not part of my vocabulary when i came to the rooms. i did not do anything for anyone, without expecting a return and had absolutely no qualms about being that way. it was my belief that there was no such thing as altruism and everyone did things for others expecting a quid pro quo. i was locked into that manner of living because i based my opinions of the world on how i behaved, so learning to be “of service” was one of the most valuable things i have learned in recovery. i could provide all sorts of service i provide on a daily basis, but of course that defeats the purpose as i would just be fishing for kudos. the fact is, i am almost embarrassed when i get caught being of service these days. almost, but not quite, i have to admit that i am still seeking acknowledgement, deep down and perhaps i will grow in to some sort of saint as the days go by.
what came up for me, this morning, is the feelings i have when i go over to check in on my Mom three or four days a week. way back when i was taught that being sad was something i had to deny and suppress and i was very good at doing just that, with one HUGE caveat, sadness morphed into anger. that substitution is active when i see the choices my Mom makes and instead of being sad and accepting that she is who she is, i get mad at her for not trying. i do not care for the fact that she has given up at gett6ing any better and there all sorts of feelings that i have deal with, every time i go over and see her. what i heard this morning as i sat was that it was okay to be sad and disappointed and i can express those feelings in a healthy manner and still be of service to her, even though most of what i do, she could do for herself. that is the “what is” and wishing for something different only makes things worse for me.
there is a service i am willing to do, for a friend of mine. he needs someone to take his inheritance check and manage those funds while he is a ward of the state. i have decided that i will be the one that does that for him and am doing the research i need to do, to make this happen. i got a few answers this morning as i was walking with two friends and i see the path before me, i just need to firm up some details. i want to help him and i know that if i am not careful, helping will turn into enabling, so there is a bit more work for me to do.
today, being of service means more to me than it ever did and i am grateful i have found the ways and means to make the adjustment in my head that all my service needs to be returned to me, in one form or another. just for today, i can get out of the way of my own bad self and be okay doing the next right thing, just because it is the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞