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and of course, the day i stop learning is the day i can start to say goodbye to all the gifts i have received over the course of my recovery.
as simplistic and as binary as that sounds, i have seen this principle in action in my own life. more than once along this journey, i decided that i had nothing left to learn. that notion, as innocent as it may appear on the surface, is fraught with peril, as it is a symptom of my mind beginning to close. it is true, that i have been doing this gig for a while. it is true that i have learned much about myself, life in general, and best of all how to live in the real world, outside of the warm comforting illusions that chemical substances can bring. that knowledge and yes the wisdom that applying that knowledge in my life brings can also be a trap. the trap is that as i react more and more like the 85% of the rest of the human race that are not addicts, i begin to believe that somehow i am now out of the 15% that have the tendency to be addicted. clean time and active recovery begin to equal being normal. as i inch closer and closer to looking normal, feeling normal and acting normal, i need to be less and less vigilant about my recovery. i can stop trying to learn and move into being just a teacher, and maybe just maybe use like that other 85%.
all of this from a little notion that i know.
although i am not fond of the metaphor of my recovery being like school, as i have expressed in the past, i can see the point. i really do like to think of life on life's being tests, in my semantic world, i do like to look at them as opportunities fro growth and to learn. for me, tests and examinations are more rote regurgitation of facts and figures and very little critical application. even the practical tests i took once upon time when i was a medical professional were in that same mode. the challenges i face in everyday life, require more than rote knowledge, at least for me. these events require application of what i have and continue to learn in recovery. they require critical thinking and yes real problem solving skills, none of which i was equipped with before i came to recovery. my teachers for this application are the members that i share my recovery with today and across the course of that recovery, i get that knowledge only when i believe i DO NOT KNOW, which for someone like me, who is educated and once believed he had all the answers is a mode of thinking that i NEED to foster.
even though i find this metaphor more than a bit trite and tiresome, it hit home this morning, reminding me that: I DO NOT KNOW, that i never KNOW WHO WILL BE MY TEACHER TODAY and who i may end up teaching. my job is to be open to those learning opportunities and GROW as a result. no matter how close to normal i may appear to be, it behooves me to remember that normal is a state i can never attain. i will never move from the 15% into the mainstream 85%, EVER. if i want what the other 85% seem to know instinctively, than i have to keep doing this recovery gig to the best of my ability, just for today. so time to hop into the shower and get a few things done, it is after all a great day to be learning how to live.

∞ DT ∞