Blog entry for:

confident in what i have learned and eager to share it with others.
yes it is early on a Sunday to be writing this and yes it is the day i choose to head on down south to see one of the men who i sponsor. the irony here, is the sponsee with the least freedom and the lowest need for living a program, is the one who happens to be the most active in working a program of recovery. with that observation, i am beginning to wonder what I AM supposed to be learning from this current set of life experiences.
well i guess a quick inventory of what is bothering about the behaviors of others, is certainly a good looking glass to walk through.
sitting on my step for so long is without a doubt a mirror to their behaviors. i am refusing to honor my commitment to myself, to growth and to continuing a process. the evidence is that when i sit, i stagnate and when i dishonor and disrespect myself, i dishonor and disrespect my sponsor and those who love me. i find myself, hearing what i want to hear from sponsor and even avoiding him, so i need not answer the unpleasant question of how my FOURTH STEP happens to be coming along. i find myself seeking distractions from what is going on inside of me, and although there has not been any rationalization for using, there are more than enough disturbing behaviors creeping in form my old life to make me nervous, anxious and more than a little uncomfortable. as i get busier and busier, i find myself devoting less and less time to my daily recovery routine. the daily maintenance steps i do, are shallow most of the time and are only effective at warding off the direst of consequences for my daily program. most of all, i find myself, discounting what i do hear, becoming bored at meetings and judging the recovery of others by their behavior or lack thereof. yet i have the nerve to criticize others for their lack of commitment and active listening skills.
hmmmm, quite a dilemma i have presented for myself, i am what they are and i am hardly a shining example for them to follow, at least these days. the lesson that i am starting to finally get, is IF i want what those who are succeeding at life have, THAN i MUST do what they did. work steps, listen to what is going on around me, especially what my sponsor says when i ask him for guidance, after all. it is part of my belief paradigm that the POWER that fuels my recovery, most often speaks through my sponse and those who surround me in my daily life in recovery.
so i have a number of hours to ponder this, as i traipse down to Cañon City and back again. perhaps by the time i arrive home this afternoon, i will finally be able to let go of my reservations and start to do what i need to do, starting with respecting myself enough to DO my current assignment in this school of recovery gig.

∞ DT ∞