Blog entry for:

often the hardest to learn and ideas i choose to deny or ignore.
recently, my spiritual path has been reforming to fit a particular school of thought, more and more. i have always said that i was this or that, but as i walk through this eighth step, it is becoming more clear what that means for me as a person and as a recovering addict. it is all about balance, and in a world ruled be the interaction of polar opposites, that define each other and seek a balance as a result, this is becoming more evident all the time. in fact, as i listened to a sponsee share last night, i was struck by a couple of notions that fit into this world view, without having to chisel off corners or cram into a space not quite large enough.
he spoke about a very specific topic, one of the three disturbing realizations, at a meeting very young in physical age, as well as in recovery age. he did, in my opinion, an excellent job, but as i sat down last night for a what was to be a quickie tenth step, the notions that started forming as he was speaking, became clear. if it is as i am coming to believe, than addiction and recovery are the part of the Yin-Yang view of the world. each defines the other and the boundary between is where i want to live. my unconditional surrender to addiction, create within me, the part of me i call recovery. rather than seeing this as a battle, or having addiction caged, or even <GASP> as disease, i see it as two parts that create the circle, that represents the whole of me. when i am in active addiction that part of me consumes and fills me, and diminishes the recovery part of me, until it is barely detectable. that part has always been there, but before i came to the rooms, i did not know it existed, or if i did, i could readily deny it and settle for the fact that using would be part of my life until i shuffled off this mortal coil. the 12 STEPS and the members who were here when i got here, gave me the tools to recognize that part of me, as well as nurture it, so i could restore balance between these two disparate parts of me. living a life by the principles of program that has given me a new way to live, allows me to achieve that balance and the closer i live to the ideal, the more stable that balance is and stays. the darkness of addiction, although still present, is no longer dominant, as it is countered by the light of recovery. maintaining that balance is what i call a program of active recovery and some days it is as easy as it can be, and others it feels like a tightrope act, without a safety net. today? well i have yet to find out. what i do know is that it is time to hit the trail to my full-time job, as that too, brings a balance to my life. i am seeing more and more, that my desire for more of everything is what drives me from the balance i am seeking. so just for today, hell, just for right now, i am certain i have everything i need and i can walk with FAITH, that today will be as it is supposed to be, IF i stay out of my own way.

∞ DT ∞