Blog entry for:

of recovery.
okay, i am not overly fond of metaphors about my recovery program. i am an onion that my program peels back layer by layer. i could go on, but in the end, it is pointless for me to whine about the many metaphors and analogies that abound in the rooms. the fact is, i am a recovering addict, who does his best to live the 12 STEPS and implement the spiritual principles embodied in those steps, into my waking life.
all of that being said, likening a program of recovery to a school, is probably the most apt of the various comparisons that are floated and flouted around the rooms. there was a reading not so long ago, that has caused me to discard one of my favorite “old-times” clichés. i no longer say that: “the longer i am clean the less i know.” as clever as that is, it is one of those lines that downplays any sort of progress in my recovery and plays into my wish to “look” humble, when i am actually not. what i have done is adapt that line into: “the longer i stay clean, the more i have to learn.” yes, it is not that i am losing what oi know, but discovering that everything i am learning, opens the door for new opportunities top learn. instead of just looking humble, i am on my way to actually being humble. the school metaphor than fits in quite well with that paradigm shift. the lesson i seem to be learning these days, is how to welcome back a peer or two who is more than a bit recalcitrant to return. i currently have two peers, that i care greatly for, who are scraping bottom. i desperately want to help ease them back into this life, but i lack the ability to combat their addiction. i know that no matter how much it hurts, and it does, i have to just stand here with my hand out and wait for them to grasp it. the truth is, that i think i lack the patience to do so, and i want to say fVck it and walk away. what i have learned so far, is that i really do have the patience and stamina to wait, hand out, until they are ready to return, even if that takes the rest of my life. i am also learning that it is not my fault that they have yet to return, and the pain i feel, is a reflection of the pain i caused, way back when.
so last night i went to a meeting i very rarely attend for a variety of reasons, mostly because i find speaker meetings tend to go one way or another in this whole school of recovery bidness, mostly the best grade i can give them is a “C” a peer of mine, who has become a close friend, asked me to attend, and i did without any hesitation. at just over a year clean, i knew what the share was going to be like, and yet as i sat there listening, i learned how wrong my judgements about my friend and peer were. what i learned was that no matter what someone tries to present to the outside world, very often they are just fVcked on the inside. my friend and peer is more like me than i ever realized and the only way i would have found out, was to sit there, actively listen to their story and allow myself to be. at the end of his share i wanted to share to “blow some smoke up their a$$,” as the saying goes, and yet i just sat there and allowed what i heard to sink in and provide me with a more complete and accurate picture of who they were.
right here and right now, i am powerless over addiction, mine and anyone else's. if those pees in my life decide to take the hand being extended, great, if not, well after all tomorrow is another day. the stamina i am getting comes from my FAITH in the program and the HOPE i feel every time i see a FNG walk into the rooms. i know i have lots of lessons left to learn at the school of recovery. i know that i will never graduate this school, nor will i ever earn a PhD. there really is life after using and by attending classes at this school, i learn how to do just that, live clean!
once again it is off to work i need to head, but i will remember that i do have a hand extended towards those who may be ready to walk back into the rooms, and will need to pay attention to what happens as this day goes by.

∞ DT ∞