Blog entry for:

...i could forget what i have learned and begin to stagnate. these are the opportunities that prod me to new spiritual awakenings. and the examples of stagnation are quite evident in my own journey through recovery as well as some of those with whom i have had the privilege to share my journey. but today, i do not need to write about those particular teachers, nor the lessons they have taught me, instead i think i am going with the end result.
one of the new ideas that has been grafted on to my mind, is that if i expect to be respected and treated as an equal, i better be treating others in that same manner. i had to call a close friend and admit that i was wrong for physically walking away from him the other night. although he took it in stride and knew i had places to be, it showed up on my daily inventory, and as much as i hate to, i had to admit fault and ask to be forgiven for my lapse in judgment. in fact, i have become so keenly aware of being disrespected, that i am now becoming aware of when i disrespect others. the challenges life has thrown at me, are teaching me how i can be more respectful of others. it is an interesting growth spurt and one that is far from comfortable for me. the other side of this whole respect coin, is learning how to turn my my tendency to be judgmental into a tool for positive change instead of one of destructive fury. i heard at a meeting how one member judges the desire of a newcomer and decides whether or not they are worthy of his time and effort, and honestly it appalled the living sh!t out of me. not the frank and brutal honesty of the glimpse he gave into his soul, that took some courage, no the part that got to me, was how did i decide if desire of any member, current or potential, was sufficient for me to invest my time and effort into. after all, i have been around a few days, and i have seen the seemingly endless parade of newcomers in and out of the rooms of recovery. so i also have a set of criteria, that runs through my head. of i would love to be able to say that i treat all newcomers with respect and equality, and do not judge the depth or honesty of their desire to stay clean, but i have yet to achieve that level of recovery. it is true however, that i no longer make book on who will or will not make thirty, sixty or ninety days.
as i look to what i desire form those who have gone before me, i can take the worst, see if i am guilty of that particular sin, and allow the process of change to be manifest in me, so i can become better, more spiritually enlightened and less of the a$$hole, who happened to walk into the rooms for the first time almost twelve years ago. walking into the rooms and accepting a program of recovery is not the same thing for this addict. i did not get clean and accept recovery until September, so i too, was part of the parade of newcomers in and out of the doors of recovery. although it was evident that i was not ready to recover, and in fact the first couple of meetings i attended, i was allowed to sit in the corner and not participate, it was not the fault of the members who were already here, that i could not get clean yet. i had lessons to learn, and some ‘yets’ left to explore. in the long run, those lessons taught me that if i wanted what i saw in the rooms, then i had damn well do what they did, and so i left the parade of the in and outs, and developed the desire to stay clean. just as i judge, i am certain i was judged also, so pausing to reflect on what it took for me, i can see the lesson in that member’s share last night, is it is time to reevaluate how i judge others and my reactions to those judgments. after all i am certain that all they want is a little bit of kindness and respect, and i am quite capable of doing that today.

∞ DT ∞