Blog entry for:

**lessons** to learn, seem to be the ones i NEED to learn the most. i am a firm believer in the adage that those who cannot remember their past are condemned to repeat it. the paraphrase is adequate for this little exercise, because it captures the essence of the original quote, without eliminating the context. enough of being pedantic this morning, even though the topic of the reading was the school of recovery. way back when i first got put into a situation i once found untenable, specifically having to stop using all substances, in order to comply with the terms of my sentence, i certainly thought i knew ”everything” i needed to know to get me through the rest of my life. that was me just being delusional and living in a fantasy. these days when i find myself slipping back towards that state of being, i GET to recall how much of a sh!tshow my life was back at the start of my journey through recovery.
here is where i might put a huge BUT, not this morning! even though this is been one of the topics i have found a bit tiresome over the course of my days clean, the cringe went away, as i read the words and considered what they meant to me today. a year ago i was quite certain that nicotine was the big issue in my life and a year ago, it certainly was. today the issue i am faced with daily is my lack of FAITH that no matter what the FOURTH STEP reveals, i will have the support i need to “handle” it. that support will come from my peers, my sponse, and the POWER that fuels my recovery. every time i decide to open my notebook and start writing, however, something else “pops up.” i know, because i have been shown time and again, that what is interfering in my recovery process is self-will. FEAR takes over and i distract myself with one or more of the things that i can use to “change” the way i feel, even though i once believed i was way beyond having that need. to crater into FEAR and face the most fearful tasks is something, at least in this instance, i am choosing to avoid. living in fear, at least for me, is not the ideal state of life. yet, i keep staying here, telling myself that maybe tomorrow…
as the sky lightens and the sun rises this morning, i can see that, by my own hand, i am once again killing myself. what once was, can return to rule my roost, if i choose to sit in FEAR. how do i “know” this? i have seen it time and again from my peers who have been “around” the program, but cannot string together a significant number of days clean. they speak of living in fear and self-will, as if they are intimately familiar with living in that state of being. it seems that in the end, there are more than a few who choose the “nuclear option,” and medicate away their feelings. IF i want to keep what i have, i NEED to do what is in front of me, or i will start looking for that “something more.”

∞ DT ∞