Blog entry for:

how to fix myself, why would i still be doing this recovery gig? the fact of the matter is that i do NOT know how to fix myself, even though once upon a time i believed wholeheartedly that i did. the fact of the matter is that i am mostly clueless about how to fix myself, although over time i have been given more than enough direction to know where to seek those answers -- from my peers in recovery. i do have to admit, is that a whole lot of what i hear from my peers, may not be actually of any help to me. my problem is often trying to walk the path between judgement and discernment. what i may perceive as being discerning is affected by what i think of the source of the knowledge being imparted. my personal feelings often get in the way, especially if the i have little to no respect of the person who is gifting me with their opinions. if i “judge” the recovery of someone else, i may be cutting myself off from something that i need. knowing that as a fact of my life, i have to tread the line between judgement and discernment very carefully.
moving into this morning, as i sat i kept coming back to a couple of addicts that i have been working on forgiving. i have very little respect for either one of them and more than once i have dismissed all that they shared from the second they opened their mouths. knowing that as fact, it makes me wonder what i might have missed. that is a question for the ages, because what i did not hear because of choices i made, is lost in the ether to me. it does make me stop and consider that maybe, just maybe, i need to stop considering the source and look at the substance instead. that may take a bit of work, but in the grand scheme of things, it seems to be a plan to opening my mind to which it has been closed.
after a weekend of unexpected disasters, lingering winter weather and more than a bit of self-flagellation for not seeing sooner that our refrigerator was failing, i am ready to accept the constructive criticism of my team mate at work and correct what needs to be corrected. it is time, however, to venture out into this foggy morning and get some steps under my sneakers. i am grateful that i have the desire to be better physically and spiritually, which lead to some emotional balance. it is a good day to remember that i am not in this journey alone and the journey, not my perceived destination is where i need to be focused.

∞ DT ∞