Blog entry for:

to one phase of my recovery may not be for another. so it may appear that i am once again going to ignore what the reading was about and go off on some tangent about my early recovery. that is not the case this morning. even though my seed says nothing about honesty, that i what i heard when i listened this morning, so that is what i will write about.
a quick trip down memory lane to just reiterate what has been said before, honesty was not my best policy when i came to recovery. i was a thief, and a con artist, in more than one instance. although i was a poor liar, when i came to telling the lie itself, i learned that telling only a potion of the truth, worked a whole lot better, as the truth, no matter how edited, was always veritable. the one thing i did have going for me, was i quickly came to grips with flat out stealing and taking advantage of human mistakes, and got the whole concept of “cash register” honesty very quickly. the rest, well not so much.
that was, way back then, the extent of my honesty, oh yeah owning up to claiming clean for the seven months leading up to my eventual acceptance of recovery. the real reason i owned that? on a very strong suggestion from my sponsor. had it been up to me, i would have continued to claim those last seven months of active addiction as recovery. as it was i took the choice to add an additional day to my clean time,by choosing my last day using. that was the choice my sponsor gave me way back when, and even today, when i consider changing it to my first day clean, i stop and ponder whether or not i want to do it or not. this far down the raod the single day does not matter, but when i own my clean date anniversary, and explain my reasoning as to why i chose it, i get to once again practice a level of honesty that i never dreamed was possible. perhaps, my recurring theme of the first year or so in recovery, is a prelude to a new level of honesty, or not. what i feel is honest today, is far beyond what i was capable of way back in those days.
honesty has been growing within me, ever since the day i finally conceded to my innermost self, who and what i was, AN ADDICT. it is true that as an addict, i choose daily, how i want to live. am i recovered? well i want to think so, i see many who act as if that is the case, but for me, i can honestly state that is not true. am i in active addiction, the short answer is NO, i have not used for nearly five thousand days, and if that was the only test, that would be the truth. for someone with some clean time, like me, using cannot be the only test of active addiction, i have to look to HOW i am behaving. i am allowing myself feel what i need to feel, and doing nothing to alter that flow, so based on that test, i would say NO i am not in active addiction, the other two states of being, merely abstinent and actively recovering are where i am most days. once again the difference is subtle, but honest self-examination brings clarity to that divide. i am grateful i know right from wrong today, and that i do not wrap up results in spiritual camouflage or have come to believe that ends always justify the means. i know all about that behavior, as i have practiced it more than once myself. if i am to be honest, i have to look at what i want to achieve and the most important part what am i willing to do to get there. if coercion by shame or bullying is part of my plan, than my actions are dishonest and actually undermine the ends i wish to affect. even to someone like me, a garden variety addict, who happened to be fortunate to stumble into recovery, long before he thought he was really ready, can see where that sort behavior will lead him. that destination is not where i want to go today, i want respect from my peers, but i need to earn it and and not demand it or expect based on how many days in a row i happen to be clean.
on that note, i think i will jump into the shower and get an honest day's work started. it is a good day to be clean, and honestly i can be present for what is being told to me and move forward confident that IF i am HERE i WILL know the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞