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are now and probably have been part of my every day existence. although i do not believe my recovery or my resolve to stay clean and live a program of recovery are tested by the POWER that fuels my recovery, i certainly accept that life presents me opportunities on a daily basis to be or not to be honest. whether that test is being honest about my change, or telling someone that habits take repetition to form. yesterday i chided my Mom, because she found an excuse to “take the day off” from her physical routine. for me, i know that my daily recovery routine, only became a routine after i practiced it for many days in a row.
i was spiritually sick when i arrived at the doors of the rooms, and stayed that way for many, many days after that, because i did everything in my power to find excuses not to do what i needed to do. even after some time clean and being habituated to recovery, is till find myself lacking the desire to get up and sit in the morning, or review my day in the evening. i hear myself saying that it is only this time and chances are i will not end up under a bridge with a needle in my arm, today. it is that very cavalier dismissal of what i NEED to do, that is the danger to me and my program. when i lie to myself about who i am and how i got to where i am today, i am creating the sort of dissonance in my life that allows me to slide down the pits that i came from.
this morning as i come to the end of this exercise, i feel grateful for the part of me who does not put arbitrary limits on who i am and measure my progress by some metric that does not really mean anything. would i like to run seven minute mile, of course i would. just because i have yet to reach that level of physical prowess does not mean i need to quit what i am doing. as i prepare to get into my daily activities, i can rest assured that IF i do what i have been doing then maybe i will get what i want. i stayed clean and i got out of legal trouble. i learned to live a life of recovery and i got a life, a career, a home and a loving partner to share my life with, all because i did the next right thing, even when i did not want to do so.

∞ DT ∞