Blog entry for:

the bigger tests of my honesty become much easier to handle. once again, i feel a couple of seemingly incongruous and mutually exclusive feelings. hope and cynicism are both part of my emotional palette this morning and as a result, i am not quite sure what to think about anything. what i seem to be hearing, or at least when i stop long enough to try and sort things out, is yes, life sucks and is far too short, BUT as long as i do my best to remain a remember of the no matter what club, i will be okay. i know that is so fVcking cliché and trite, i almost want to puke as well, but maybe as i simplify and cut to the chase, it ends up being all that it is.
this morning, i the other thing i hear is that for more than one friend and acquaintance, hope may be running out. honestly i can see why someone would want to use, no matter what the consequences. i could see that doing what i need to get my next fix, is also part of that lifestyle, after all, it is hard to get up and be part of the boring so-called normal world when i can be the “MAN,” all night long. when i cannot feel good about myself, i need all those active addicts and users telling me that i have just what they need, stoking my ego and pumping up my self-esteem, because i am so ashamed of what i have become. when their attention is not enough? well, i can just dip into my merchandise and do a little something to take the edge off.
recovery is not all that different, if i really dive into how i fool myself, when i am not healthy. there is a trap of extended clean time, namely that i get respect just because i have done this for so many days in a row. pedestals get erected, newcomers fear me, and those who are less than confident in who they are becoming avoid me. when they finally ask, well it is like that just got the best hit ever, and it is good enough for now. the irony is, that even though all of that feels good, it is actually a symptom of the part of me i call addiction, taking control. changing what should be something good, into something i can use to feed is sense of dis-ease and perpetuate the myth that i am something more than just another addict in recovery. yes i can become the “MAN,” in no time at all, except what i am peddling is influence and garbage, wrapped up in a spiritual principle or two and disguised by a few college educated words. that behavior is no less sick than me dealing chemicals and the consequences can certainly be just as fatal. HONESTLY? see i finally came back to it! anyhow, honestly, i can be more than that, if i allow myself to be. i can grow beyond my need to pump up my self-image with the external trappings of flattery and fawning sycophants. i have grown beyond all of that, and most days it is evident in my life, the cynical part of me acknowledges that, but looks for examples where i am far from that ideal and trapped in the trappings of wanting to be fixed by outside things. the hope fiend? well he looks at the larger picture and strives to do better than he did yesterday. hence the eternal, internal battle wages on. it is true, that the battle is much quieter than ever before, except maybe when i was in active addiction, when the hope fiend was nearly bludgeoned to death and lack any energy to fight anymore. the cynic, has yet to get to that point, and seems to always have a seditious whispering campaign in progress. today i am certain i am far more than all of that. today i am certain that i am still an addict and i still want more than i got yesterday. today, however, i can get more through application of the 12 STEPS in my life and become the person i never thought i could be. that dark side will never be removed and perhaps as i think about it, i am happy that is the case. after all, my greatest fear was that the process of recovery would change me into someone i could not like, and sick as it is, i have come to like my dark side as well. time to roll out and face the real world, it is after all, the next right thing to do!

∞ DT ∞