ฯ by examining the level of honesty in my life ฯ
Posted: Fri, Apr 6, 2012 06:58:11 AM
i see how comfortable i am with it.
the problem here, is that the person i am the most dishonest with, is myself. so IF i am being thorough and honest with myself, about how honest i am being THAN and only than can i truly see how comfortable i am with my current level of honesty. there is a way out of this Catch 22, and for me, it really is not that hard.
what i have to do, is take a look at my day and ponder my actions, my behaviors, my reactions and my feelings, and how they make me feel in the here and now, as i recall them. the TENTH STEP is a perfect vehicle for me to do so. if i feel something in the pit of my stomach or hear myself saying ‘BUT’ or ‘IF ONLY,’ than i know something is wrong. strange as it may sound, i have reached the place in my recovery, where i can allow my feelings to tell me how honest i am being or have been across the course of my day, or even more importantly with myself, when i take a look at who i am and what i have done.
anyhow, being honest about being honest seems to bring bout the party line cheer leader in me. while that is an important message, it is not one that i have to take the time to repeat here. there a few examples of honesty in my life, or places where i am not completely honest that i think i will explore right now.
the first being, my current employer. i have purposefully kept a very quiet profile as to this whole recovery gig with my co-workers, management and the company i work for. i have not lied about anything, nor have i bent the truth to cover this up. i just have deflected leading questions with clever repartee or not answering at all, and living as far away as i do, so far no one has pinned me to the wall about this aspect of my life. yes i know leaving out facts is lying by omission and i can already hear the BUT coming up, so here is a place in my life, where i have been less than honest, using the spiritual camouflage of anonymity to shield me from the truth. it does not mean that i will march into my manager's office today and bare my soul. it means that instead of deflecting, i will address this directly when the POWER that fuels my recovery gives me the next opportunity to do so. until then, well i will let go and allow events to transpire as they will. it is a good day to be and clean and certainly time for me to hop into the shower and head on out, after all, they are paying my bills.
the problem here, is that the person i am the most dishonest with, is myself. so IF i am being thorough and honest with myself, about how honest i am being THAN and only than can i truly see how comfortable i am with my current level of honesty. there is a way out of this Catch 22, and for me, it really is not that hard.
what i have to do, is take a look at my day and ponder my actions, my behaviors, my reactions and my feelings, and how they make me feel in the here and now, as i recall them. the TENTH STEP is a perfect vehicle for me to do so. if i feel something in the pit of my stomach or hear myself saying ‘BUT’ or ‘IF ONLY,’ than i know something is wrong. strange as it may sound, i have reached the place in my recovery, where i can allow my feelings to tell me how honest i am being or have been across the course of my day, or even more importantly with myself, when i take a look at who i am and what i have done.
anyhow, being honest about being honest seems to bring bout the party line cheer leader in me. while that is an important message, it is not one that i have to take the time to repeat here. there a few examples of honesty in my life, or places where i am not completely honest that i think i will explore right now.
the first being, my current employer. i have purposefully kept a very quiet profile as to this whole recovery gig with my co-workers, management and the company i work for. i have not lied about anything, nor have i bent the truth to cover this up. i just have deflected leading questions with clever repartee or not answering at all, and living as far away as i do, so far no one has pinned me to the wall about this aspect of my life. yes i know leaving out facts is lying by omission and i can already hear the BUT coming up, so here is a place in my life, where i have been less than honest, using the spiritual camouflage of anonymity to shield me from the truth. it does not mean that i will march into my manager's office today and bare my soul. it means that instead of deflecting, i will address this directly when the POWER that fuels my recovery gives me the next opportunity to do so. until then, well i will let go and allow events to transpire as they will. it is a good day to be and clean and certainly time for me to hop into the shower and head on out, after all, they are paying my bills.
∞ DT ∞