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i see how comfortable i am with it.
the problem here, is that the person i am the most dishonest with, is myself. so IF i am being thorough and honest with myself, about how honest i am being THAN and only than can i truly see how comfortable i am with my current level of honesty. there is a way out of this Catch 22, and for me, it really is not that hard.
what i have to do, is take a look at my day and ponder my actions, my behaviors, my reactions and my feelings, and how they make me feel in the here and now, as i recall them. the TENTH STEP is a perfect vehicle for me to do so. if i feel something in the pit of my stomach or hear myself saying ‘BUT’ or ‘IF ONLY,’ than i know something is wrong. strange as it may sound, i have reached the place in my recovery, where i can allow my feelings to tell me how honest i am being or have been across the course of my day, or even more importantly with myself, when i take a look at who i am and what i have done.
anyhow, being honest about being honest seems to bring bout the party line cheer leader in me. while that is an important message, it is not one that i have to take the time to repeat here. there a few examples of honesty in my life, or places where i am not completely honest that i think i will explore right now.
the first being, my current employer. i have purposefully kept a very quiet profile as to this whole recovery gig with my co-workers, management and the company i work for. i have not lied about anything, nor have i bent the truth to cover this up. i just have deflected leading questions with clever repartee or not answering at all, and living as far away as i do, so far no one has pinned me to the wall about this aspect of my life. yes i know leaving out facts is lying by omission and i can already hear the BUT coming up, so here is a place in my life, where i have been less than honest, using the spiritual camouflage of anonymity to shield me from the truth. it does not mean that i will march into my manager's office today and bare my soul. it means that instead of deflecting, i will address this directly when the POWER that fuels my recovery gives me the next opportunity to do so. until then, well i will let go and allow events to transpire as they will. it is a good day to be and clean and certainly time for me to hop into the shower and head on out, after all, they are paying my bills.

∞ DT ∞