Blog entry for:

and productive model citizen was not how i ever saw myself. it was not part of the vision of what i would become when i was using and certainly was not why i came to recovery, in the first place. in fact, i thought model citizens were suckers and were “missing out” on the best parts of living. as a result of getting clean, staying clean and learning to live a program of active recovery, i can say that i may not yet be a “model” citizen, but i am certainly not playing the part of the dregs of society, dragging all those around me, down into the muck. the reading spoke of honesty in the cash register sense, and it is true, that came pretty early on for me. the honesty i am dealing with today, is what comes after the lies on which i have based my identity get shattered. WTF am i supposed to do now? that answer has yet to come with a flash of light and thundering applause, so as i “listen” each day, i get a clue or two.
this morning, after a rough night with my Dad, i am wondering if we are on the correct path. not the whole hospice stuff, but doing the hospice at home. i know that this is going to be a tough road to hoe, but i also know that putting him into a long-term care facility will put my Mom in a precarious position. in my heart, i am certain that this is the way he would prefer to go, and the learning curve is very steep for this path. i know in my hearty that as a family we can pull together and make my Dad comfortable and get the “kinks” worked out. i am also pretty sure, i will need to step up and do an overnight to give my sister some relief from the responsibility of those hours. the relief i have been feeling from the burdens i volunteered for, has been nice, but it has been fleeting. the question before us as a family is do we get something to “help” him sleep overnight, even though it will make him more confused and “cloudy” during the day, or do we keep on the path of getting the most “clear” time for him, that we can?
more will certainly be revealed and just as i may not know who will emerge from under the wreckage of my identity, so i do not know how long or how well my Dad's fade to black will be. as with everything i have little or no power over, i just have to accept what is and go with whatever direction the wind happens to be blowing today.

∞ DT ∞