Blog entry for:

at the expense of others, i feel less comfortable in my own skin. it has been several hours since i sat and listened, and what i was probably going to write about, has left just a tiny echo i what i hear right now. it is quite true, that i was no honest about a whole lot of shite when i first got clean and being in the rooms was not my plan, way back when. my standard operating procedure was to get whatever i could and never give anything back. for me, that was life was all about. i saw it as a zero sum game and my job was to make sure i got mine and everyone else's. as i finally started to come around to recovery, mine, i started to see that maybe, just maybe, that sort of manner of living was not the best course for me. not that i grew totally honest with everyone and everything in all aspects of my life, in a flash of light, but the dawning of the notion that i could get what i needed, without making someone else pay for it, started to become evident to me.
sitting here, after a meeting, some fellowship and speaking to one of the men i sponsor, i realize my job today is to find a path of recovery that “fits” who i am right here and right now and stop looking at what i once was or what i want to become. i know that for me, i NEED a framework that is simple and well documented and i have found that part within the fellowship i call my home. the concepts of honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, trust and faith, are what i DESIRE to incorporate in my life today. how well i do that varies from day to day, but that never eliminates my DESIRE to be a bit better.
thinking about what i heard and what i shared today, i have finally come to the realization that although i feel the THIRD STEP in my heart, i am hesitant to intellectually accept it. it certainly is a strange and unusual twenty-four inches of path from my heart to my head, as the last four ti9mes i worked this step, it was the opposite direction. what i seem to DESIRE is a clear intellectual understanding of the framework of this step, with simple actions i can consciously take to foster my desire to live in FAITH that my will, and my life will be cared for. i am trying to put that FAITH into a box, when it is far to broad to be constrained by the notions of what i think is proper for me. my path just does not seem to be adding up and the uncertainty principle of quantum mechanics seems to be in effect. i am afraid to open that box and see whether the cat is alive or not. the ironic part is that to move forward i do not NEED to know what it looks like or how it works, i just need to live in the FAITH that i already know that, and just let go. with that in mind, i do believe a nap in is my future, the Final Four and maybe some, just maybe a bit of letting go and allowing what i feel to take hold in what i think i do not know, just for today.

∞ DT ∞