Blog entry for:

benefit at the expense of others.
an interesting observation, even when i am a survivor of business decisions, that i had no part in. i still cringe, just a little bit, when i think of the layoffs that have occurred over the course of my tenure at my current gig. all of my co-workers, who trained me to do the job i am doing are gone, laid off for one reason or another. as i sit in my desk day after day, i cannot help but wonder, why them and not me. do not get me wrong, part of the uneasy feeling comes from wondering whether or not i will have a future here, or will i suddenly, for no apparent reason, be tossed aside as well. what it inspires me to do, is to keep my resumé fresh and my options open. it also inspires me to knuckle down, learn what i need to learn and become as vital part of the operation, instead of just an after thought. when i am at work, i get focused on m y task, and i have the gnawing fear that i am not learning something fast enough and not being as efficient as i need to be. yes, i know fear is the antithesis of FAITH in many instances, and perhaps, like my struggling sponsee, i am just being overly paranoid and battling shadows of my past. which of course brings me to a tangent that has been working me over for the past few weeks, did i really do enough for him and were my decisions truly spiritual in nature or just protectionist of myself.
i could have done more. i could have freed him from incarceration, and yet i chose to let him sit where he was, justifying it by saying, that at least there he would be doing what he needed to do to get healthy enough to return to reality. instead, he made choices that have affected his future freedom and part of me, i am sure the not very healthy part of me, feels like somehow it is my fault. if only…
the honest truth is, i have no way of making anyone do what they need to do, whether i am a sponsor, a friend or a family member. i do not have that sort of power, and to believe otherwise, is a return to the behavior of manipulating people and events to get the outcomes i desired. understanding that intellectually and owning it emotionally are two different things and the problem i am having is that 12 inch journey from my head to my heart. it really was not my fault that i survived the layoffs, my employer saw my relative value and kept me on. it is not my fault that my sponsee, performed brain chemistry experiments with such disastrous RESULTS. it is not my fault, that addicts come to the rooms and do not stick, or decide after some time clean that there is more than one way to have a life. i do not make the sun rise, and the world certainly will keep spinning or not, regardless of how much effort i put into making it conform to my wishes. what i am starting to get the feel for, is yet another new TENTH STEP question as an adjunct to the others i have already added to my inventory. the question? did take the credit or blame for something i actually had no power in affecting the outcome? not a bad addition, and as i seem to move deeper and deeper into seeing what is and is not good for me today, i am getting a new sense of the direction my recovery journey is taking. yes i will continue to work with men in recovery, even though that may have other issues. and no my expectations for them are no different that they are for anyone in the program if they apply themselves to this spiritual path, they will be freedom from active addiction and given a new manner of living. part of that application is listening to the professionals when it comes to outside issues. after all, when i go to court, i hire a lawyer. if they choose not to, well the consequences are on them and not me, i need not take the credit nor the blame for what happens, as it is their life and their journey towards becoming the men they have always wanted to be. my p[art is to take responsibility for my actions and separate myself from the outcomes, that i am certainly powerless over, which in a quick analysis is just about everything.

∞ DT ∞