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to one phase of recovery may not be for another. so there may be no such thing as **advanced** recovery and i will never graduate to being a member of the other 85%, BUT, as i grow in my program, things certainly change. part of what i was whining about yesterday, is a symptom of the fact that i have moved beyond an ever present fear of relapse. i have moved beyond the denial that i am an addict and have come to terms with the notion that the use of substances was just a symptom of a larger, more dangerous underlying problem ⇛ addiction. that honesty was a long time coming and for me anyhow, one of the most disturbing realizations that i ever had. as i did service last night, hearing the newest of the new, looking for a bit of HOPE, i finally found a bit of gratitude for what i have ⇛ an ongoing and active program of recovery and all the trappings of a “normal” life. that tiny bit of honesty is what i base my life on today.
when i get all butt-hurt about being ignored in meetings, what i am really butt-hurt about is not being the “center of attention.” wanting to “look better” than i am and wanting to have my peers fawn all over me, creates more than a little bit of cognitive dissonance and may be a symptom that i am moving into yet a new phase of my recovery. i DESIRE to be a part of the fellowship, but i also want a life outside of the fellowship, that does not include selfless service, anonymity or daily maintenance. in other words, i am beginning to see this journey as something more than a “just for today,” kind of gig and more like a life sentence. to be honest, it does seem a bit of a burden to carry and as i sat last night and this morning, it began to dawn on me, that i am not “sentenced” to recovery, i CHOOSE to be in recovery and tomorrow i have the ability to CHOOSE not to be in recovery, regardless of how unpleasant the consequences may be.
when i flip my thinking to making a choice rather than carrying a burden, all of a sudden, i feel a bit lighter and the gratitude that is present can seep out and fill my heart. i may not be able to alter the fact that i am an addict, but i can certainly change my perception enough to be grateful for a solution that allows me to be just a bit more.

∞ DT ∞