Blog entry for:

is of unparalleled therapeutic value. i am here to share it freely with any addict who wants to recover. i must admit, that this reading was one of those i found difficult to swallow. after all, until i actually worked some steps, and i mean really worked them, my past was a continuing source of shame, regardless of what the reading might suggest. as long as what i saw when i looked back could still be interpreted as being fundamentally flawed and bad, i had evidence that there would never be any hope for me. my past was better off buried under tons and tons of concrete, never to be unearthed.
i understand better today, now that i have been through the step process, and although i have been locked in the past, going over my early recovery again and again, lately. i can finally see, that there were a few issues from that era that i needed to resolve. now that i am beginning to let go of all of that, and i am, i see my experience in terminal uniqueness and trying to be what i was not, is invaluable. the only problem is trying to get the person who needs to hear what i am saying the most, to actually sit down and listen to the message. the old horse to water conundrum, that is part and parcel of recovery, i can freely share what i have learned, but i cannot make another addict freely accept what i am giving. that however is a totally different aspect of what i heard this morning, and right here and right now i choose to let that go.
which does . quite neatly bring me back to the reading at hand. it almost seems that i am anticipating some of these lately, having things bubble up to the surface days before it is time to write about them, just so when the time is right, i can expound on a topic. what i heard this morning, was that although my past contains events, behaviors, feelings and decisions, that i can hardly be proud of, all of it has value today for a couple of reasons. all of what i am today, is a consequence of all that i have done before. hence, my recovery is built upon the foundation of all that transpired in my active addiction, in my early recovery and yes even what i did yesterday. as much as i would like to sweep all of that under the carpet and pretend i am today, exactly as i have always been, i know that is far from the truth. moving beyond that, into integrating all of my experience into who i am today, and <GASP> accepting that all of that is not only necessary, but a great asset for me, still can be a very bitter pill for me to swallow.
the task for me, therefore, comes down to a choice, believe that my past is valuable and can be used to further my ongoing growth in active recovery OR believe that my past is something shameful that needs to be hidden at all costs. that dilemma is one that this reading forces me to look at this morning. i know where each path will take me, and choosing the former over the latter will enhance my recovery process. so right here and right now, i choose to accept that my past is just that PAST. being such i can use it for good, no matter what ugly stuff lies there and as a result, perhaps i can give another addict that smidgen of HOPE that they may need to stay clean today. so it is off to the showers to get ready for round two of clearing the work off my desk.

∞ DT ∞