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only an addict can suffer. putting my past into perspective has been a tricky proposition from the very beginning of my recovery. even though that very cursory FOURTH and FIFTH STEP cycle was enough to keep me clean, i knew then, that would have to be a whole lot more, if i was ever going to do this for any length of time. my plan at that time was one third of the way to completion and i had absolutely no intention of ever staying clean past the date i got off paper. SURPRISE! here i am, many days later writing about how i done did it and what it takes to stay clean, today.
the most interesting part of my past, seems to be coming down to those early days of recovery. the feelings of being different, of being better than and of doing my best to prove i was not an addict. oh, it is true that when i was using there were more than a few things and acts that cause me to have a few regrets, but for the most part, they are pretty tame, compared to the stories of others. no my extreme story starts the day i walked intro my first meeting and continues unabated for the next twenty five months. it the tale of becoming a member that holds the most interest for me today, as the story of what active addiction was all about, is pretty vanilla and lacks any of the depth of feeling, it once had for me. yes, as the past gets puts into perspective and i finally DECIDE NOT to be a victim of my past or addiction anymore, it becomes less of a force in my life today.
i know plenty of of my peers, still feel victimized by their past, some of them even have significant amounts of clean time, but their choice to remain stuck there is not mine. like a bad comb-over, everyone know when i am trying obfuscate the facts away, and the worst part is that i am only one who thinks that i am covering my bald spot. the fact is, that i need not be a victim of addiction anymore, and that means that i can stop allowing myself to be a victim of my past and allow it to take its proper place as part of my life.
anyhow, enough babble, time to hit the road and get to work. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to transform my past from a weapon with which to punish myself, into a tool that can carry the message of HOPE, i have found.

∞ DT ∞