Blog entry for:

after my experiences over the last week or so, i had begun to wonder exactly what value my past held for me. the reading this morning clarified the situation for me -- my past is a tool i can use to help others and as a result help myself.
thinking of my history as a means to allow someone else to identify and perhaps get through some troubling aspect of their current situation is not a concept i readily accept, after all i did not go to the visible depths that others did and i do not often grasp that ‘war stories’ may be the only level on which a newcomer may be able to relate with me now. i forget that i do not look like i did when i came here. i forget that i do not act the way i did when i first got recovery. and i forget that what the newcomer perceives of me may be way beyond what they believe is possible for themselves. then i remember what i thought about those members with long-term recovery that were present when i got clean. i remember being intimidated by them. i remember being confused by what they were saying. and mostly i remember that there was no way they could have ever been as messed up as me. without a common thread for me to grab on to, i would have never been able to learn how to live clean one day at a a time. in fact, dome of the men i sponsor are still surprised by the fact that i was at least as nuts as they are now and seem to think that this is how i always was. without sharing my past, they can never get the hope that whatever they see in me, they can find for themselves. i know i cannot recover for them, nor can i i force them to grow, all i can offer is the HOPE that like me they to can get beyond whatever is happening today and find the new way of living that was given to me.
∞ DT ∞