Blog entry for:

may be why i am here, and its fulfillment is the most important goal i have to accomplish. then again, maybe i am overreaching here, it just may be that i am here for me, and the rest of you, including the still suffering are just gravy.
so i know who i am today, an ADDICT, and i am pretty certain that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery is for me to stay clean today. beyond those two facts, i am not too certain of much of anything else. as much as i like to look like i walk confidently through my recovery, the truth is, most days i am improvising, making the best with what comes down the pike. i DO know that if what i have to share is of any value to the still suffering than it hardly needs to be wrapped up in clichés, slogans and bumper stickers, as some of my peers seem to believe.
my past? well i was more of a “two shoes” than the baddest kid on the block, when i take a critical look at it. i hid in the shadows for fear of being found out as a fraud, and manipulated people and events to achieve my ultimate purpose, namely the continuation of getting my next fix. yes there are plenty of despicable deeds, thoughts and motives in my past, some even after coming to recovery, and some not that long ago. honestly, and yes i am fond of using that word, i am no better and certainly no worse than 99.999999% of my peers. i still feel guilty and remorseful over items from my past, those years of lost weekends, the lack of caring and compassion i had built up, and so on, those feelings will probably be present until the day i die, which is not necessarily a bad thing, as it is a tool to gauge my behavior and my dedication to living differently today. it is also true, that my FOURTH STEP dealt with my behaviors and feelings from a time long ago and a place far away. it was very painful for to to face, and it was not because of the heinous acts i performed, way back when. i had to revisit the pain and anguish of not fitting in, and living in a place so small, that there was nowhere else for me to go. it was the beginning of my withdrawal from human society, into the shell of isolation that would keep me safe from harm, and it was quite deeply buried in memories, to protect me from the pain of having to relive those days over again. when i did the FIFTH STEP, it was certainly as if a very deep, and ugly infection had been surgically removed and STEPS SIX through NINE, would remove the lingering poison from my spiritual life. does that mean i will be going back in 2015 for my 40th high school class reunion? i do not know. if i had to decides today, i would say probably not, but that decisions is over a year away, so i think i will put it to rest today and move on.
in fact, today., i think i will jump in the shower and get headed on over to my place of employment. i have stuff to learn, code to write and yes, people to allow into my life. all of that is a good thing, and none of that would have been possible without this program of recovery. am i walking this Earth today, for some other purpose other than to stay clean? dunno, and i certainly do not care, for me it is enough to be on this side of the grass, with the FREEDOM to be something more than i ever thought was possible, just for today.

∞ DT ∞