Blog entry for:

not generally how i consider the events that were part of the twenty-five years that led to my eventual seat in the rooms. in fact, i often see those days as a waste of my life and wonder what if anything i could have done to prevent that life from being part of my reality. when i get all maudlin about **what if** and **if only,** i get a moment to pause and consider the fact, that who i am today is BECAUSE of my past and not DESPITE it. the reading this morning reinforces that outlook and as i sit here planning and plotting my way forward, to the phase of my career, i have to remember that i did not get where i am in a vacuum.
these days, i have the perfect object example of what wasting a life is, living in my house right now. what i wonder, is that if was given the opportunity that they have been given, specifically a “timeout” to get my life on track, would i have wasted those days, spending all my waking hours on my phone and binging television. i wonder if i would be taking steps to get my life on track, or just keep leeching off the kindness of strangers, doing my best to be the center of attention, lying and manipulating them with threats of leaving and self-harm. chances are, had i been given that opportunity, way back when,. i would have fallen into the same selfish self-centered behavior, using all my resources to do absolutely nothing and contribute nothing but discord into the household that was fostering me.
today, as i see what i might have become, had the justice system not put a quick end to my downward spiral, i am grateful for the gift of my past. i may have more than a few regrets about what i have done, especially since i got clean, but all-in-all, i see it as an opportunity to change how i behave and hopefully change how i think as a results of changing behavior. when i feel the daily burn of being played and used, i can take stock in the fact that today, i do not feel entitled to “get” anything i have not earned, including the loving care of those who are part of my life.

∞ DT ∞