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teaches me to trust? HA, i would have once replied to that question, as i believed vulnerability was for suckers and no one, especially me, was trustworthy. back in those days, when i was auditioning future sponsors, trusted peers, and friends i relied on a tactic i called a trust bomb. i would reveal to a single person, something less than savory about myself and see if it got around the rooms. if not, they were one step closer to being admitted into my life. i can report today, that after twenty five years or so, none of those “bombs” ever exploded and i have long since abandoned my need to test my peers for their discretion. one might say that these little forays into vulnerability on my part was the beginning of learning how to be a part of a trusted network of friends.
this morning, as i prepare to do a FIFTH STEP with two of the men who call me their sponsor, i flash back to my second fifth step and the anxiety i felt as i prepared to lay open my whole life to him, i recalled what those i trusted kept telling me it was worth the risk. a brief aside, my first FIFTH STEP was in another fellowship and the material that comprised it was self-serving and lacked any sincerity, i have often said i did the best i could with what i had at the time. that may be true as all i had was mere abstinence and my step work was all about looking good and not about actual recovery from addiction.
as i learned how to allow others to see me for who i am, and that took nearly a quarter of a century clean, i have become more trustworthy myself. when the next layer of my denialist protection was finally stripped from me and i saw myself, as i really was, after decades of living a lie, i became a whole lot more vulnerable. i am still at a loss to describe the person i once was, before i started to live in that manner, but on a daily basis, as more is revealed to me, i have become far more accepting of others. oh sure, i may still rail against the ignorant selfish over-entitled people who cross my path on a daily basis, but at least i understand that i, too can be first amongst them. the good news, is that i can see myself in real time acting in that manner and actually make corrections, most of the time. if not, well there is always my daily inventory that allows me the freedom to make corrections after the fact. just for today, i am glad i learned how to trust, even if that path was one full of fear, uncertainty and doubt.

∞ DT ∞