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every time i come up go Montana for a family thing, joyful or sorrowful, i feel a bit of remorse about how much time i missed with my family up here an how much of an outsider i have been. for the first twenty so years of my life, not spending time with my family up here was not a choice i could make. the second twenty some years was a conscious decision as i believed her was nothing up here for me. since getting clean, at my Grandmother's funeral twenty-seven years ago, i have been doing my best to suit up and show up, especially after my Mom refused to come up here anymore with my Dad. i joyfully took on the task of making sure he and i were part of the family stuff, each and every time it came up. as a result, i am no longer an outsider and my family up here has come to expect seeing me for family events, even the sad ones. i do not mind fulfilling their expectations, as that has become a huge part of who i am.
moving on, as i rode back with my cousins to Bozeman yesterday, i shared a bit of what it is like to live in the skin of an addict and what i was like in those years when i chose not to be a part of the happenings up here. they spoke of how a friend had a twenty-one year old son who was just finishing treatment and was coming out to reality in a week or so. i tried to be positive about his future, but sadly in my experience i have seen so many fail to maintain their recovery after treatment, i had to let them know, that sad fact of life: less than two percent of people such as myself, ever stay clean for any length of time. i know that i am an anomaly and that if was merely abstinent i would have used a long, long time ago. my recovery is based on a desire to do whatever it takes to live a life worthy of who i am and who i am becoming.
it is time to get rolling on down the road to home. i am grateful today that i had the time, the desire and the resources to be present for this adventure. i may have been a royal shit more than once in my past but just for today, i am here, alive and awake for those who love me unconditionally. 😁

∞ DT ∞