Blog entry for:

that i can share with other addicts, perhaps averting the pain or even death of another.
one of the men i sponsored, once asked me how did i come to a point where i could forgive myself for wasting such a huge part of my life in active addiction. quite honestly, that was not a question i considered ever before. i mean seriously, regretting my past was something that i just did not do, and when i did? well there was always a behavior or two i could use to divert myself from diving into that poisonous lake of self-pity and remorse.
flash forward to today. my last set of steps included an amends to myself, and part of forgiving myself was coming to terms with a few facts about the man i was that day, and the man i am today. oh that process is far from complete, in fact, each and every day i stay clean, i do some work on that amends and i am certain that it will continue until i stop the recovery process or die. as this process continues, i see more and more that most of the unforgivable behavior that i regret was me acting out of active addiction. while that seems like an excuse for behaving poorly, and it certainly could be, i tend to think of it as an explanation not a justification. i still have to pay the price for each and every one of those acts, there are after all consequences for all my decisions and actions, even when i am in active addiction. so yes, i can feel guilt and remorse about what id have done, BUT and this is the key, I DO NOT NEED TO CONTINUE TO FLAGELLATE MYSELF WITH THE SHAME OF DEEDS LONG PAST!
in that sense my past becomes a tool for growth and for assisting others on their journey of recovery.the guilt i feel, can remind me not to do something and when i offer snippets, good, bad or indifferent, to the addicts in recovery and even those on the metaphorical fence, i can show that no matter how dark my past, i LOOK TO TODAY as another chance to get it right. if i stay clean today, and chances are quite good that i will, i GET to do this all over again tomorrow. reconcile another mote of my past, forgive myself for another transgression and allow myself the freedom to see the HOPE rather than dwell in the morass of self-pity and abuse that living in my past can create.
so time to hit the streets before the wind kicks up any more, for that too, is part of forgiving myself for my misspent youth and the destruction i wreaked on the body i was given on the day i was born. it is a great day to let go and let the POWER that fuels my recovery to lead the way.

∞ DT ∞