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are two legs of the the tripod that keeps me from valuing my past. the third? regret, of course. over the past three months, i have had to own that i felt broken, that i wasted my life trying to hide that lie and lost many valuable relationships, before they had the chance of bearing any fruit, because i was afraid of being **found out.** as i strive to move forward in this “brave new world” i also know that what happened to me, happens to many of my peers in recovery and while my path took a long time to be revealed, it certainly has become the path of least resistance and towards healing the “who” i see myself as. years clean, did nothing to protect me from the hurts i buried so long ago. i know that it is only because i stuck around for long enough to reveal what i attempted to hide for fifty-plus years, i get the opportunity to start from scratch in defining the person i am today.
as i sat this morning, what kept bubbling to the top of the cauldron, was how can i be a better part of what is happening at the home of my parents. my Dad is certainly fading and my Mom does not seem to be able to own the fact that he is now allowed to have and do, just about anything he wants. at least that is how i see it. if he wants to get up and dance a polka, weak as he is, i will do everything in my power to allow him that opportunity. i also see that i need to provide my sister the opportunity to step away from the chaos of that house and the burden she has taken on, so she can maintain her sanity. what that means is that soon enough i will have to do an evening shift. what it also means is that i do what i do because it is the next right thing to do and not to seek the approval from my family, my friends, my peers or society in general. helping my Dad through this time in his life and seeing the gratitude in his eyes when i do something for him, is reward enough for right now. no matter what our history has been, and i made it quite rocky way back when, today i have the opportunity to make my amends for being such a shit to him. i have found the ways and means to forgive myself for events in the distant past, in regards to him anyhow.
these days, i know what it is like to uncover ancient, explosive ordinance from the long distant past and defuse or explode it, as needed. these days, i see a dynamic that has shaped my life and brought me to my knees and i no longer have to allow myself to be terrorized by it any more. these days, i am feeling that i am worth more than a quick fix or a trendy psycho-babble cure. i am worthy of doing the work, forgiving myself and seeking clues to who i have become, now that i know that being broken was a lie i told myself to keep myself “safe and sound.” part of that new person in a fitter thinner version, thanks to the new world order in pandemic times. to that end, it is time to put this baby to bed and move out into this early spring morning to get some miles under my belt. i may be powerless in all sorts of ways today, BUT i refuse to surrender any of my personal power top toxic people and relationships, just for today.

∞ DT ∞