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but more importantly, with where i CAN go in recovery. okay, i have to admit it, lately i have been finding meetings to be a bit boring and without any merit for me. instead of sharing, i find myself “punishing” the other members by not sitting in sullen silence, judging each and every word being shared based on some sort of “do they actually have any recovery to share” sliding scale criteria. most of the time, what i hear, is the parroted garbage of the jargon that fills the rooms, and as a result i GET to tune out anything that they may be saying that MIGHT be helpful to me in my recovery.
i know that this is my problem as there will always be members that share to hear the sound of their own voice or to be the center of attention. when i get to this place in my recovery, what i NEED to do is to step back and see what is going on. i know, here is where the old timer voice goes off in my head and i say back when i go clean…
yes back when i got clean i told to shut the fVck up, as i had no knowledge of recovery and the ONLY thing i could offer the group was problem and no SOLUTION. the days of telling newcomers to shut up are long gone, and i am certain it is for the better but man now the rooms have become a whiny therapy session, and how does that help the addict with time who may just be suffering.
from the viewpoint of this still suffering addict, i can tell you this, when all i can hear is the touchy-feely psycho-babble of new wave recovery, there is no relief. staring at my reflection in the mirror and telling myself how much i love me, is not helping me to become the man i have always wanted to be. working STEPS FOUR and FIVE, does start a process that allows me to desire personality change, which for me includes accepting and loving the man i am today. i NEED to be reminded that there is a solution and when i cannot hear that message at meetings,, it usually means that the the NOISE in my head is louder than the message of recovery that is present at ALL meetings.
it would be hypocritical of me to say that i like the way we mollycoddle our newcomers, i do not and i believe that by allowing them to go on and on about topics they have no direct knowledge of we do them and our fellowship a disservice, and this includes those who have been “around” the program for years on years. if they actually had recovery their chances of relapsing would have be diminished to practically nil. those frequent relapasers are actually the most dangerous members of our fellowship, in my opinion, as they know all the language but none of the content of what recovery is all about. enough of my little soap box.
what do i need to do today? well at the meeting i attend this morning, i NEED to shut off the internal dialogue and listen for what i NEED to hear. i NEED to practice a bit of FAITH that the message of how to stay clean and live in active recovery is there being served to me of a silver platter. most of all i NEED to TRUST that i am right where i NEED to be and let go of the garbage that the part of me i call addiction is feeding me. yes i have 5000 wake-ups since my last use, BUT if i want to have 5001 than i better get my head wrapped around the idea that i am here for the long run, i am after all, to quote Stuart Smalley, “ and dammit i am worth it!”
so off to the showers and inbto the real world.

∞ DT ∞