Blog entry for:

of who I am, where i have been and where i may be able to go. okay, hold on to your britches, THANK GOODNESS for the newcomer. i certainly have said, more than once, that i am not the sort who chases down and twelve stomps the new guy. sometimes, however, my lack in that activity is seen by others as being uncaring and unkind. what others think about me, is not my bidness, IF i am living a program of recovery, to the best of my ability, just for today. i, however am digressing. in spite of my reticence to to actively seek out the newest of my peers, i often end up with building ongoing relationships with the FNGs. which is the long way round to what is on my mind this morning.
as i spoke to my peer last night, i heard the same arguments about what this program is and is not, that once ran through my head. had i not been here to avoid legal consequences the “hypocrisy” of the program, the “cult-ish” nature of what i heard and the fact that “suggestions” sounded more like edicts, may have driven me from the rooms, long before any “miracle” happened. as listened last night, i was struck about how many times i have heard the same arguments and the same passion, time and again.i have my opinions about what i was told last night and i certainly do not need to share details here. the facts are: i am an addict. i did not arrive with any intention of being here thousands of days later. i did not desire a “spiritual” path and was certain i had enough information to survive until i shuffled off this mortal coil, chances are, with a needle in my left arm.
the gift i received last night, was a stark reminder of where i was and why i was here. it is true, that waiting for the results of my biopsy last week has driven me to various distractions, some that are not so good. i have, however, remembered where i come from and continued to attend the virtual meetings that connected me back to fellowship in these days of plague. i do not know if i provided what my peer desired last night, but they certainly gave me what i needed, a stark reminder of who i could become, ONCE AGAIN. i am grateful that i finally reached a point in my life, where i found i needed this program and desired to be here. i know the entire case against any twelve step program and it is not a reservation, it is however, ironclad. i did not get clean to stop thinking for myself, nor did i get clean to be a participant in creating my own misery. just for today, i may be anxious, distracted and more than a little “out of sorts.” BUT i have to desire to stay clean and will do whatever i NEED to do, to implement an active program of recovery in my life, JUST FOR TODAY.

∞ DT ∞