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but that by practicing the principles of the program i can recover.
quite honestly this was going to be a they just do not know what to share tirade. in the time it took to put my breakfast dishes into the dishwasher all of that changed. where this will go as an alternative is beyond me at this particular moment, so hold on, we may be in for a bumpy ride.
so i went to a meeting last night, and the usual suspects shared as they always do, more fluff and not a whole lot of anything real. between the sh!t that freely flowed, however there was more than enough experience, strength and hope to fill me up. and yet, i left the meeting feeling cheated once again, 30 likes or not, somehow i have come to expect more from my peers, and am severely disappointed when i do not get it. so if my expectations are never going to be met, in reality that is the case, than how do i keep from getting resentful and ditching the whole meeting part of my recovery program. that is of course the conundrum i am in, i WANT to stay clean, i WANT to live the program i have been given, just as it has been handed down to me and most importantly i WANT to go to meetings and feel refreshed, instead of dirty, because i acted “as-if” there was something there for me. my sponsor ancestry, still regularly attends meetings, that is what they do. as a result, it is what i do. my sponsor and i have gone over this issue, at least how it applied to me, time and again, and it always end up in the same place,:“who the fVck do i think i am, that meetings NEED to fulfill what i DESIRE!?”
the fact of the matter, is that is what it boils down to, my problem is the selfish and self-centered application of spiritual principles, completely cutting out the entire reason i go to meetings, and i go to three a week, namely because i forget what life was like for me, way back when, and i NEED to be reminded of where i could return. of course the solution for lack of content in the meetings, would be to share at every one i attend, just because i have so fVcking much to offer each and every addict in that room ;>). i hear the arrogance, and the self-righteousness, creeping back into my life, so i know that i NEED something more, more than likely, some face time with my sponse, some discussion of spiritual principles with someone i respect and who has a deeper and different understanding of things, and more than likely just a small break from the judge, jury and executioner that i have become lately.
what action doe that men i will take today? well more than likely i will end up at the meeting tonight. more than likely i will not share, but perhaps for something completely different, i will reach out to someone after the meeting and ask them how they take the good with the bad and allow themselves the freedom to get what they need from any given meeting.

∞ DT ∞