Blog entry for:

to remind myself of what i have to lose. i can hear the groans now, yet another glass half-empty post about the angst of being clean for what seems like a lifetime. it certainly may seem like i have very little gratitude about what i have achieved through the process of recovery and how it is all based on the process of learning to live an active program of recovery. i would not disagree with that assessment and i could say that what i share is a counter-balance to the rose-coloured glasses view that many of my peers share about, that would however, mean that i put some thought into what i share, when most of the time it is all about an emotional reaction on some level, based on events that i have little or no control over. case in point, when i showed up at the meeting last night, there was more than one person who i really did not want to see. when that happens everything they happen to share is instantly labelled as pure unadulterated horsesh!t in my head and i am ready to pull out my phone and cruise social media for something “real” to pique my interest. in that instant, i have lost my focus and the meeting therefore becomes an exercise in futility, because i will not hear what i need to hear, at all.
when i can let go of those i do not trust or those i see as “fake recovery experts,” i GET what i need form a meeting. the encouragement to keep coming back, an identity with others who understand what it is alike to be an addict, and clues on how to live another day clean. most of all, I GET something that is inexplicable, at least logically or rationally: a connection to strangers that goes much deeper than just hanging out together for an hour or so, in a meeting. meetings are where i found my peeps and even when some of those peeps fail to meet my over-demanding standards they are my peeps nevertheless. i GET to see how they live their lives and if i pay attention, i learn how to live mine, often from their “bad” examples.
as i worked with one of the men i sponsor yesterday, what i heard from him was FEAR of learning to do this gig, out of desire, rather than because he is forced to do so. i have the HOPE that he will do just that, and not just mouth the words that make him look better than he is, a behavior i am with which i am intimately acquainted.i HOPE that i have provided him the tools to critically think about what he hears and make decisions based on that ability, rather than overthinking what he thinks he knows. for me, i know i am in a phase of my recovery that is crucial, i am being worked over by the FIRST STEP and it sucks, as it always does. one would think that i might have a clue or three by now and yet here i sit in the pit of hopelessness and yes even a bit of despair and i am blaming recovery for making me sink so low. the fact is, i am right where i need to be and only some time with my sponse is going to relieve my suffering, i might even have to bite the bullet and use the freaking phone! i am resolved today, however, to go to a meeting tonight and be okay and accept where i am, just for today. in the long run, i know that this will pass and i know what i need to do, to make it through to the other side, and it is not saying a magic incantation or fronting that i know something i do not. it is doing the work, and living a program of active recovery in all parts of my life.

∞ DT ∞