Blog entry for:

a stranger wherever i go, even after a few days clean, is not what i am all about today. as i grow in the program, i see more and more quite familiar behaviors that i need to rely on less and less. i have enough self-worth that i do not need to invite myself to social events. if one of the people in my life, actually wanted me to attend the event, they would have invited me, and my self-worth is not based in how many invitations i receive. the reading was not about how i measure my worth today. i have a very good idea of what i am worth to myself these days, and it is because i continue to attend meetings on a regular basis. not only do i see which peers i want to emulate, i also see those that are talking a good talk, but little else. that is enough about others, at least for right now.
it has been a frustrating twenty-four hours and i hope that this is as bad as it gets. the meeting i attended last night, was the only bright spot in my day yesterday, and who knows, perhaps a meeting is on tap for tonight. one thing i know for certain is that i am not rushing out the door, in some vain attempt to make it to the office by seven-thirty. i have finally surrendered to the fact that maybe going slow this morning, is the action i need to take, as everything i have done since waking up at three-thirty with a headache, has taken longer and has been fraught with misadventures. at that meeting last night, i felt welcomed and a part of a fellowship of my peers. yes, there was one “preachy” share that i internally rebelled against. i really do not like when a member takes meeting time to “educate” rather than share what is going on in their life. even with that glitch, the meeting provided me with a bit of serenity, in contrast to the tumultuous few days i have just come through. the identification i feel for the addicts in that room last night, sustains me and gives me what i need to walk out into the so-called real world.
today, i do not need to prove my value by putting my stamp on everything that i am involved in. as i sat quietly last night, i realized that being the judge, jury and executioner, is a tough job to handle. it is no less trying than altering reality to fit my idea of comfort, a behavior i am very familiar with and one that i choose to let fade into obscurity. as much as pain and change is inevitable, i do not have to create my own suffering, by turning it inside out. just for today, i know who i am and am quite sure i have value to myself, my peers and the world around me and i no longer need to look for examples of that worth, in external events. meetings help me to keep that perspective and walk through my day with a little more ease and comfort.

∞ DT ∞