Blog entry for:

in the meetings of the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. i am among friends, me peers, those who best understand what it means to be an addict and how to live or not live, as the case may be, a program of active recovery.
lately i have been one of those, who sits quietly, meeting after meeting, observing my peers and listening to what they are sharing. some days i hear lots of inspiring stuff, new takes on an common idea, or the solution to the seemingly intractable problem of life on life's terms. when i am spiritually fit, i hear more message than mess, and when i am not, not so much. lately, all i have been hearing the mess, when i am more than certain there has been some message as well. the simmering resentment i have finally identified and begun to let go of, is blocking me from walking my talk, in all of my affairs. just as those once a week religious zealots do, i have been talking about how high and mighty i am, than shafting someone, as soon as i get the opportunity to do so. bidness, after all, is just bidness and treating others the way i feel i have been treated is only fair. the rationalizations and justifications for my bad behavior flies and all of a sudden, i see myself as one of the tourists that frequent our local fellowship, all spiritual in the rooms, but once i step through the door, i participate wholeheartedly in the dawg eat dawg world, to eke out what i am due.
after the revelation on Friday evening as i sat for my daily inventory, i have been released form the burden of carrying a huge resentment. yes i got screwed over. yes, this may or may not be a pigeon hole from which i cannot escape. and yes, i am still a bit angry about the whole affair. what i am hearing today is, that i can stay clean today, no matter what. i can be whole, genuine and self-assured and let those events play out in my life. where i got that ability to see what is at the root of my anger and finally let go of it, is in the rooms, at meetings and becoming a part of a local fellowship, by regular meeting attendance.
with that little bit of HOPE today, i can move on to another issue that is weighing on my soul, the length of the unbroken stretch of days since i last used. in a few months i will be marking a huge number of these days, and what i hear in my head,m is that with clean time that can be measured in decades, why would i need to still go to three or four meetings a week, after all, there is very little new there to hear, and most of what i hear is just tripe anyhow. it comes down to the notion, at least for me, that these are my peeps. and i need to be around them, because here and only here, can i be certain that i am understood. it really is that simple, i need my peers and the best place to find them, is at meetings. i can drift away into tourist mode, or i can remain an active part of my local fellowship. today i choose the latter, as i am quite certain it is what helps me to stay clean. maybe tomorrow i will move into the tourist mode and decide when and where to grace a meeting with my presence. just for today, i am grateful that i still find the NEED to go to meetinmgs on a regular basis.

∞ DT ∞