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of a HIGHER POWER for me, even if i am not sure what to **listen** for today. or even worse, what it is that i am actually **hearing** when i do listen. quite honestly i am in a little bit of a weirdly space emotionally this morning. there are two sides fighting it out for supremacy and neither is winning. the part of me that loves to run and all of its consequences good and bad, is pushing me to get out there and just do it after all, it is not raining and i have run when it was much colder, so i have the technology to do so. the other part is telling me, that i have done enough and it is time to lay off working out for a few days, the excuses that part of me is coming up with are some real doozies, such as i will not be able to wash my workout clothes until tomorrow anyway, so just take another day off. what i am hoping for, is a bit of divine intervention of a gully washer rain storm to descend upon my neighborhood by the time i finish writing this entry and have the decision taken away from me. even after thousands of days clean, i still ask for divine intervention, so i need not make a decision. so where is any evidence that i have any recovery from the sick pup that walked into the rooms? that my friends, is a tough question to answer and one of those imponderable ideas that i need to resolve for myself. there are a few directions i can take to answer that question, and using the framework of the reading this morning, i think i will go down that path to see where it leads.
i can tell you without any hesitation that this whole concept of GOD's will for me has creeped me out since the very first time i entered the rooms and actually read the steps off the poster hanging on the wall. being strongly disinclined to look for spiritual, mystical or superstitious explanations for the events of the world, the notion that i am just some sort of cog in a wheel with little or no choice about the direction of my life was distressing in and of itself, than having to seek out that knowledge and bend my actions to conform to that plane, made things even worse. i understood what Lucifer said, when he said it was better to rule in hell after losing his battle with GOD. more than once, Milton's prose has rang in my head when i considered the various alternatives. coming around to tolerate, accept and yes embrace a spiritual path of development has been a journey for, arduous at times, but a journey that has rewarded me beyond my wildest dreams. it i9s quite possible that all i have is the illusion of free-will in the long run. it is also quite possible that there is really nothing more than what i can physically sense to the world and the universe that i am a part of today. i have been given a gift, that of freedom from active addiction, and that indicates that i may be part of a greater whole. i DID NOT choose to start the chain of days of abstinence, well let me rephrase that, abstinence seemed like the lesser of two evils when i was given the choice of where my life would end up going. today, abstinence is a conscious choice i make, even though it feels like i do so autonomically, without any exertion of my will or energy on my part. that was not always the case, as in those early days, it took a great deal of effort to stay clean. the difference? today i choose to practice a program of ACTIVE recovery, i do however digress.
so the eternal argument rages within, am i spiritual creature locked in a physical body, or is all this spiritual stuff no different from what i experienced in the best of my mind-altered states, the result of synapses firing off in some random order to create the feeling of well-being i now often experience, and more to the point can this possibly be the will of a HIGHER POWER for me, that i NEED to acquiesce to? i can argue myself into circles, just like the whole running conundrum and not get anything done. OR i can look for a way out. STEP 11 talks about my “true” as being something different than self-ill and that as i grow GOD's will for me becomes my true will for myself, the wills align and i walk this path with less effort. it is easier to go with the flow, and listening for clues about what that flow may be, is what meditation has become for me. it is the time i GET to see where i am going today and the template for the choices i get to make as part of that journey. that means that right here and right now, i can see myself as a spiritual being existing on a physical plane, connected to the world around me, by more than just gravity. as a result, i need to do my best to attune myself to the flow of that world and work to be a part of it, instead of a dissonant chord. that is a task i can take on this morning. working out? well as the rains have yet to come and i am done writing, i have decided that i will do an aerobic bit instead of a training work out this morning and take advantage of the fact that it is not raining. that too, is part of the flow for me today, so it is off to a trip around the neighborhood.

∞ DT ∞