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no one promised me instant liberation or an easy way out of the jam i found myself in, way back when i finally got clean. the only good part about eighteen months of mere abstinence, was that when i decided to jump in and do this recovery gig, i already had clues to what and how long it might take to experience the freedom i witnessed in the rooms. as i trip back through the pages of my recovery journey it is nice to see that i may not have been all that honest or open-minded, when i took the plunge, but at least i was willing to do whatever it took, to be freed from the chains of active addiction.
this morning, sitting in my home office, dealing with the consequences of forgetting how sharp knives freshly returned from Cutco are, i am feeling more than open-minded as to what may come next in fact, i am almost ready to go get my head shaved before i go in for my melanoma removal. i came to that possibility as i walked through the neighborhood and my thinking was, that if they are going to shave my head a couple of square inches around the melanoma, i might as well make my head all look the same, even if i am taking a chance with my hair not growing back. right now, it is just a possible action i may take, hardly written in stone. i have to admit i am still vain as sh!t, so it will be a huge leap in FAITH to go forward with the “naked head” look.
ah, but one might ask, what about my recovery? am i willing to do what it takes to stay clean and work an active program of recovery, today? well i might be willing to go to a meeting a day for the next thirty days, but i do not see the need to do so. i am okay the way things are going today. yes there are a few ups and downs, but nothing that is making me think a quick trip to a purveyor of legally available substances, might just do the trick. in fact, that notion is a bit abhorrent to me, right here and right now. nor do i feel the need to run away to Mexico and run up debt, just to get away, which has happened more than once in the past. i also do not crave a bright and shiny toy to help me forget what it is that is bugging me. what i “need” is twenty minutes of quite, which i got this morning. i also “need” the ability to stay in the here and now, and watch for the opportunities to get what i need. it is true that i ended up having a conversation with a city worker this morning, as i was in the middle of my workout, but looking back at it now, perhaps it was just what the both of us needed, five minutes of time to connect with another human being. don't know, don't care, it was the next right thing to do in that minute. the next right thing now, is to post this and get working on my tasks for my employer, after all, i am grateful i have a job and want them to be grateful that i work for them, just for today.

∞ DT ∞