Blog entry for:

after all this time, there are moments, when i still just do not GET IT! where is the HOPE? the HOPE is in the fact, that regardless of whether or not i am getting it, i keep doing it,meditation that is, to the best of my ability.
no i am not one of those, who goes into a deep trance and rises 30 minutes later with a deep and profound understanding of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. nor am i one of those, who after just seconds decides that this whole meditation gig, is for someone else, because i am just not hearing or feeling anything significant. what i am, is an addict, who meditates regularly and does his best to quiet myself and just be, d=for however long i can just be. it is tough to sit still in the morning, knowing i have work to do, before i go to work,. things to accomplish as the day wears on, and unfortunately a schedule to keep. i do HOWEVER, sit down and listen and most of the time, i do not really “hear” all that much. what i get, most of the time, is a feeling that today i am on the right track, all i have to do is pay attention. case in point, this FOURTH STEP i am writing. i may have blogged before, about how the last FOURTH STEP affected me and what the effects of that work was on my life in the here and now. well this is one is DIFFERENT. this one is ripping me apart, filling me with shame and exposing me to the spiritual gale that is ripping through my life. the shame i feel, is that the feelings i am uncovering as i write, do not feel appropriate and worse, are so old, that they are irrelevant to who i am today and how i interact with those who are the closest to me. i feel like a whiny, petulant little brat, who just cannot get his way and is puking up all the contents of his spiritual digestive track, all over the pages of my notebook. this writing makes me feel weak and defeated and seriously i cannot wait to get bit done, or even better stop doing it and walk away.
the real sh!t of it is, that as i sat down and quieted down this morning, i felt reassurance, that writing this and doing it chunk by chunk , over the course of contiguous days, was the correct path for me to take. i felt a strange calm, that though there may be still some rather nasty surprises left to uncover, that the worst of it had already been expressed and for now, to focus on the the trivial resentments that happen to be present in my life. what i also got was a warm feeling that regardless how i am feeling and what i am writing about,. i am loved, just the way i am today, and when this phase of my recovery is complete, i will still be loved as tha man i will become. and with that, i think i will get in the car and heaad on down to work, secure in the knowledge that i can stay clean todaay, no matter what happens.

∞ DT ∞