Blog entry for:

within me.
this morning, i have the same thing on my mind that i have had on it when i went to bed last night. it sucks when i get stuck in a loop and even my 10TH and 11TH step cadence, cannot or will not move me on. how do you tell someone that i am tired of having to be someone i am not, every single time i interact with them? without furnishing any details, i can certainly say, that even in the not so distant past, i would have just walked away, with extreme prejudice and not looked back. oh the rationalizations and justifications that i have come up with, could fill a document the size of a medium novella, and yet, somewhere deep inside, i keep feeling one of the most trite and overused clichés in the fellowship; “do not give up before the miracle happens.”
the miracle i am waiting for here, is not anything external, it is a shift within me that moves beyond judgement about the decisions someone else has made. it is the miracle of accepting someone as they are, right here and right now. it is about the miracle of me, forgiving myself fore being such a schmuck that i gave way my power to another, and the worst part is, i did it for the most ugly motive of all: to improve my standing in their eyes. i was manipulative and somehow inside i see this as a reversion to a behavior, i believed i had grown out of, a long time ago, namely doing a favor and expecting something in return. the way that is playing out in the here and now, is that since i was not seeing my part in it, i am starting to form a resentment, and becoming short, curt and critical of the object of my ire. of course i am far to fVcking spiritual to form resentments, 😇 , so of course then i must do the blame-shifting shuffle to take the spotlight off of me. TA-DA, problem solved, i am justified, move along, nothing to see here!
as i sat and listened this morning, what i finally heard is that people are people and i am just another person in that same vein. not only am i human and an addict, i can get pissed off when i feel disrespected, time and again. my REACTION to this continual disrespect is a anger that once upon a time simmered into rage, but now quickly changes into a justified, double secret resentment. i pretend nothing is wrong, when inside i am cringing and seething with a firestorm of emotions. worst of all, i see myself on the other side, paying lip service to wanting to do something, but continually doing something very open and public which precludes me from taking any sort of responsibility and blithely passing it off as just a series of questionable decisions. BOOM, here i go again, minimizing and justifying my decisions and not paying any attention to the possible harm i doing to important relationships in my life. being on both side, and remembering what it felt like on that other side of the equation, gives me the FREEDOM to forgive myself for going where i have been going and arriving in such a fVcked place. i know what my part is, and it is not to allow this resentment or resentments to continue to gain traction. it means that the next time i am asked i say we can take care of it, right here and right now. it also means that mixed motives aside, i can return to the apparent reason i acted in the first place and stop carrying on as if this is some sort of life boon that needs to be acknowledged in a very public manner.
will i be able to let go and forgive all i need to forgive? well i am on the path to that right now. the road to hell may be paved with good intentions, but just for today, i will listen to what i heard in meditation this morning and allow myself the freedom to move along, after all, there really is nothing to see here.

∞ DT ∞