Blog entry for:

in **feeling** contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery.
so after a few false starts and working myself into an intellectual cul-de-sac, that was going nowhere, i have finally figured a direction that will take me into saying something i need to say. WHEW!
this whole “GOD” has been a severe trip wire for me, since the very start of my exposure to the rooms. little did i realize that cold Thursday in February, when i first walked into the rooms, that i would be writing about “GOD” so many days in the future. in fact, if one had polled about what i thought about my experience, immediately after my first meeting, i would have m,ore than likely said, interesting but far too religious to be of any help to me. i could not see way back then how **GOD** was going to get my a$$ out of the legal sling it was in, nor how **HE** could help me not get caught using. i was all about the easier softer way, back then, and things in that respect have not changed all that much.
ahhhh, i can hear the dentures hitting the desktop! it is true, the easier softer way is still part of my modus operandi, as is relying and depending on something, anything, more powerful than my addiction. note to all, just to be clear, i suffer from addiction, not a collection of addictions, nor am i addicted to any one chemical substance, behavior or any other method of coping with the real world. addiction, is all inclusive and i am grateful that i have found a fellowship that allows me the FREEDOM to treat everything at once, instead of the scatter-shot, piecemeal focus that other fellowships ascribe to. that is, however a digression, back to my thought at hand, today, i have learned to use the POWER that fuels my recovery, to stay clean today and to find the guidance i need to do the next right thing. not being a very prayerful sort of person, leaves me no choice but to rely on that quieting of my mind time, to find the guidance and connection to proceed through my day. there are times when i feel envious of those who just accept the **GOD** package as it is, and incorporate that into their active recovery. that is a tectonic shift from those days between that Thursday night in February and when i finally accepted that maybe staying clean was something i needed outside intervention in order to accomplish.
once again, i digress, and to get back on track, NOT being a prayerful sort, i NEED to double down and had to learn how to sit and just listen, because for me, my life does depend upon that piece of contact. **THY will be done,** nor **I AM NOT WORTHY** are not part of the relationship that is the center of my active recovery program, and as i have learned to do, i now am starting to **feel** the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, instead of hear it. that **soft, quiet voice** i once thought i heard, was just me trying to put what i felt into some sort of verbal context, and this trip through STEP ELEVEN, as close as it is to finishing, is teaching me to stop trying to interpret and add context, and just go with what i am feeling, right here and right now. which is to wrap this little exercise up, express my sadness that some white boy hated so much he shot up a church, and wonder why the daughter of my friend was in such a state that she ended up beat to death, and move into my day. it is a good day to be clean and just for today, i certainly do not expect to make Nine News.

∞ DT ∞