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is a major understatement of what this addict feels during and after his morning meditation. no, i am not the powerful one as a result, but i do feel something powerful that provides for all i need to stay clean, just for today. i often write about what i do to live a program of active recovery and what it took to get to where i am today. the truth is, i am one stubborn son of a gun and i was not about to let something pass me by, especially since that something was attainable through my sheer effort of will. there is not a whole lot in this life that can be achieved simply by doing it until it sticks, for me, meditation felt as if i was never going to get it, and yet, because i persevered, i did.
s i sat this morning, one of the notions that came out of the deep, was how much i was affected by the political and social climate i am currently living within. my political screed of yesterday, has been replaces this morning by a sense of doing the next correct thing, which i for me, is to be aware of what is going on inside of me as a result of what i see going on, on the outside. once upon a time, i might have considered apologizing for what i wrote and felt yesterday, but those days are gone, what i wrote, i felt and the one thing that is coming out of the fog of self-delusion is that my feeling have value and are worth expressing, especially in this exercise. i do NOT and i repeat i DO NOT have to apologize for having feelings, or expressing them.
as the calm descended upon my spirit this morning, what i felt was a certainty that i am finally on a path towards becoming who i have always wanted to be. i still may be over-sensitive and certainly a bit over the top when it comes to asserting myself by defining and enforcing boundaries, but i am quite certain that too shall become second nature to me, as i habituate to taking care of myself. meditation is certainly one of the activities that allows me to weather the new realities in my life, the first being the realization that no matter what messages i may have received and misinterpreted across my life, i am not broken and i never was. those who may have told me that were mistaken then and certainly are still mistaken today. i may not fit into any stereotypes of what a person of my generation is supposed to look and act like, but i really do not care. as i fight to free myself from the prison i built for myself, i know that the battle is as important as the outcome. in the long run, my fantasy of being more, is coming true on a daily but oh so incrementally basis. because i spend the time to sit and listen the that quietly powerful force that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞