Blog entry for:

i improve my conscious contact with the source of our daily recovery. honestly, i have been a bit off, emotionally over the past ten days, and finally i am beginning to get down to the reasons. there is a sh!tload of change happening around me some of it directly involves me, most of it does not, but affects those i care about in some, what i judge to be, negative manner. yes, i am starting to realize that for all my lip service about judgement free consequences, i still judge them positive or negative based on my emotional response to them, or even more accurately my perceived emotional response. my recently paroled sponsee? well having to be warehoused in a halfway house, where everything is there for him to fail, i see as a negative, BUT maybe there is a lesson he is there to learn that is beyond my ken this morning. my skin-crawling dislike of of one my peers? perhaps it could be, what i see in him, i see in myself and do not want to face it. my anxiety about my career and newly won full-time gig? well i have been through the merger process before and the end result was i was looking for a new position by the end of the day. my sponsor having surgery? what happens if he never gets back up to speed, or worse this is just the beginning of the end. all of this and so much more, spinning around in my head, i can now feel is causing me to be restless, far from serene and definitely not very spiritual. on the bright side, it is also hooking me up deeper with the men in the program, by allowing me to see that they are my peers, treating them as such, and becoming involved in their lives, as i open up my life to them. part of that is i GET to act out, instead of being “mr perfect behavior” in meetings. i GET to be human and i GET to learn how to be a friend, support those who are in trauma and drama and not get caught up in it myself.
what i feel like, emotionally, is a trillion ants all over my skin and occasionally taking a little bite of my flesh. not often enough to do anything about, but the creepy-crawly feeling is reaching a state that is uncomfortable enough for me to call in the spiritual exterminator.
anyhow, as i see the source of my discontent is me, and not life in general, i am starting to get that perhaps., i too, am not immune to the damage that occurs when i pause in my step work. perhaps tonight i will write out that list and call the sponse to meet up and go over it. who knows. what i do know is that the insanity of 1 + 1 = 3, is rampant and even if the perpetual newcomer does not get it, he does not have to. i am not him and i have a bit of grace in this situation, not a whole lot, but a bit, so as i move out into the real world today, i think i will start shedding those ants and see if i can “listen” my way to a billion rather than a trillion, after all it is a process as well.

∞ DT ∞