Blog entry for:

i was emotionally, physically, and spiritually defeated. i came because i WAS beaten. although it would take quite some time for me to own those facts, and even actually get clean from the first day i walked into the rooms. when i look around me, though, maybe i was not that slow of a learner after all.
as i sit here, enjoying my coffee and a cigar, recovering from a not too stellar run, and yes i see all the delicious irony in that statement, i am struck by how obtuse i really was to what my life was like back then, before exposure to the fellowship, during my period of being “around the rooms” and finally even into my early recovery. what i heard when i got here, was not that i could be free from active addiction. what i heard was that i could have lots of things and that these would all come to me, IF i worked the program the way the winners did. that was not far off the mark, what needed changing was my definitions of winners and what they had. it is a little ironic that i spoke of those so-called gifts the other day, i blame it on a good memory and not some sort of precognition, this is after all, not my first time through the daily meditation book. how i missed what the gift of FREEDOM from active addiction was all about, is beyond me. i was more than a bit resistant to a lot of new ideas way back when, and the notion that in was the same as a street junkie living under a bridge, was not one i took to very willingly. i was focused on the messengers and not the messages.
so a few step cycles later, a fellowship change and some days clean, i see today what the real gifts are that i am getting. yes FREEDOM from active addiction is part of my life today. it is, the gift that keeps on giving, to use a tired old commercial bromide. with that gift, however comes a responsibility, I NEED TO nourish it, cherish it and do the footwork to keep it vital and alive. sometimes, that means i need to prune back some of the sick relationships i have, some times it means that i have to backtrack on my step work, and most of the time it means i have to be present and listen for what is going on in the world around me and the world within me. all of this is more than clear today. smoking a pack of cigs may temporarily change how i feel, but is not what i want to be today. railing and lashing out at those i perceive are hindering my progress, while feeling good, is perhaps not my path to serenity. living with the blinders on, narrows the wide road of recovery and my view of the options that will allow me to expand my horizons. do i really wish to work for the corporate world in a cubicle? not really, BUT that seems to be the direction my life is taking today, and as i have now got the spiritual clarity to be back on STEP THREE once again, after a quick revisiting of STEPS 1 and 2, i see that there is nothing wrong with surrendering my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and that path seems to be leading back to a nine to five job right now.
the gift of FREEDOM from active addiction, is one i cherish today and one that i am grateful for with all that i am. yes, i am an addict, yes i am powerless over addiction and yes, i CAN be restored to sanity, one day at a time, IF i do what has been suggested since the day i walked into the rooms and started this journey into the great unknown. change as spooky as it may feel, is not a bad thing and is a result of being open-minded and willing to do the next right thing.
so my run is done, my coffee cup is empty and in the dishwasher so it is time to do some work to build a better future for me, secure in the knowledge that no matter what happens, if i am present for it, it will be something better than it is today.

∞ DT ∞