โคน the solution is โคธ
Posted: Sun, Jul 31, 2016 11:34:55 AM
freedom from active addiction. i have worked this issue time and again, but it is always worth revisiting today. i have often joked about how i chose my first sponsor, he had what i wanted: a career, a loving relationship, a house and a harley. by the time i moved on to another fellowship, self-sponsorship and working the notion that maybe i was not an alcoholic-addict, so i could drink responsibly, i had worked 12 STEPs, had a sponsee or two, and was quite certain i was set for life. i may not have had what i thought he could give me, but i was on the path: i was clean for over a year, back in college and doing very well, starting to get noticed by others and was accumulating more than a few toys. ironically, even with all that stuff going on, i still felt as if something was missing, maybe a relationship, screw the living amends i had committed to, i needed something, DAMMIT ALL!
in the pit of despair, that night in New Jersey, being in the same room as a substance that i desired and wondering what the fVck i was doing there, i finally was beat up enough to believe that i needed to do something more. something more was not working, as i gallivanted between being substance focused and disease focused, and the various ways those two fellowships approached recovery. my second sponsor, who i asked within weeks of getting back from that trip back east, said he did not care what fellowship i attended, but i need to make sure i was an addict. not that he recommended some “controlled” of any sort, but i had to come to terms with who i thought i was, and what i thought i needed to do. not that the heavens opened up and i heard angelic choirs, but that first meeting with my sponsor did open my mind and my eyes, to what i really needed.
okay, time to 'fess up, i still desire to have material things. i still want to be the best-liked person in the room. i still crave respect and admiration. i still measure myself through the eyes of others and the litany of evil could go on and on and on. gratefully i can cut that story off right there. yes, some of the stories i tell myself have strong non-fiction components, it is just the spin i put on them, that makes the fantastical.
back to the promise and the reality of that promise, FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION, is one of the driving forces in my life. because that promise is coming true, every single day for me, i GOT to be part of a ginormous event yesterday. in the big scheme of things, it probably pales in contrast with the events that fill my new feeds every day, but in the micro scale of my life, it was huge. today, i woke up with any regrets about what i did yesterday. i did not have to call my friends to fins out what behaviors needed to be excused, because after all, “i am just another addict.” more importantly. i got to express my love for a friend with whom i have shared many days clean. being able top be present and express my love for my friend on this happy day, seems to me, a certain amount of payoff for staying clean and working a 100% program settling for 90 or even 99.999% is not good enough for me, and that is because i know that the only thing i get from living that program, is the opportunity to face another day, without active addiction rearing its ugly head.
today i know, that even though i have some days clean, what many view as long-term, i still am an addict. i GET to be in recovery, because i do the deed. ironically, i even participated in a very private and very Christian ritual yesterday afternoon, and did not feel weird, duplicitous or hypocritical. that is growth for me and apparently did not upset the “POWERs that be.” that is certainly a side-effect of the freedom i get on a daily basis and part of what i am willing to give away today. before i run up against a time constraint, i think i will close with this. i am clean today because the promise comes true every day i stay clean. it is a self-supporting feedback loop, and one that i am more than willing to invest a little of my resources into, so that it may continue, pump out the hits.
in the pit of despair, that night in New Jersey, being in the same room as a substance that i desired and wondering what the fVck i was doing there, i finally was beat up enough to believe that i needed to do something more. something more was not working, as i gallivanted between being substance focused and disease focused, and the various ways those two fellowships approached recovery. my second sponsor, who i asked within weeks of getting back from that trip back east, said he did not care what fellowship i attended, but i need to make sure i was an addict. not that he recommended some “controlled” of any sort, but i had to come to terms with who i thought i was, and what i thought i needed to do. not that the heavens opened up and i heard angelic choirs, but that first meeting with my sponsor did open my mind and my eyes, to what i really needed.
okay, time to 'fess up, i still desire to have material things. i still want to be the best-liked person in the room. i still crave respect and admiration. i still measure myself through the eyes of others and the litany of evil could go on and on and on. gratefully i can cut that story off right there. yes, some of the stories i tell myself have strong non-fiction components, it is just the spin i put on them, that makes the fantastical.
back to the promise and the reality of that promise, FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION, is one of the driving forces in my life. because that promise is coming true, every single day for me, i GOT to be part of a ginormous event yesterday. in the big scheme of things, it probably pales in contrast with the events that fill my new feeds every day, but in the micro scale of my life, it was huge. today, i woke up with any regrets about what i did yesterday. i did not have to call my friends to fins out what behaviors needed to be excused, because after all, “i am just another addict.” more importantly. i got to express my love for a friend with whom i have shared many days clean. being able top be present and express my love for my friend on this happy day, seems to me, a certain amount of payoff for staying clean and working a 100% program settling for 90 or even 99.999% is not good enough for me, and that is because i know that the only thing i get from living that program, is the opportunity to face another day, without active addiction rearing its ugly head.
today i know, that even though i have some days clean, what many view as long-term, i still am an addict. i GET to be in recovery, because i do the deed. ironically, i even participated in a very private and very Christian ritual yesterday afternoon, and did not feel weird, duplicitous or hypocritical. that is growth for me and apparently did not upset the “POWERs that be.” that is certainly a side-effect of the freedom i get on a daily basis and part of what i am willing to give away today. before i run up against a time constraint, i think i will close with this. i am clean today because the promise comes true every day i stay clean. it is a self-supporting feedback loop, and one that i am more than willing to invest a little of my resources into, so that it may continue, pump out the hits.
∞ DT ∞