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from active addiction, is the only thing i was ever assured i would get, IF i stayed clean and lived a program. once upon a time i thought this was a rip-off and a con. i mean seriously, i was entitled to so much more, especially when other 12 step fellowships offered 12 promises that seemed to portend a rosier future. being self-absorbed and materialistic, there was very little to assuage my feelings of somehow being in an inferior fellowship that could not even generate 12 promises to go with the 12 steps. that was a few minutes ago, today i am certainly grateful that i am not burdened by all sorts of promises that seem far too good to be true. sour grapes? maybe. or perhaps it is just a easier, softer manner at looking at the world around me.
i often wonder what would have happened had i stayed the course back in the day and returned to a life of using, when the legal sword was removed from my life. that particular thought experiment, once upon a time, seemed like the “happiest place on Earth,” after all, i had shown i could succeed when i applied myself to a goal. i had demonstrated that i could live without using and more importantly i had started a life that was just a little less selfish and self-absorbed, so maybe i could join the other 85% and use like a gentleman. these days, i am quite certain, that would NOT be the way things would work out. a few days of having the promised of FREEDOM fulfilled, had brought me to a place of acceptance of who and what i am, and given me a sense of gratitude of what i have been given. that promise comes true on a daily basis and before i turn cynical or maudlin, i think i will just shuffle off to the showers and get headed down to the work. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞