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of the fellowship that has given me this new way of life, however, this does NOT reflect on the quality of their recovery.
a couple of connected thoughts got planted in my head, as i sat quietly this morning. the first being: MATERIAL GAIN is NOT equal to SPIRITUAL GAIN. the second being, comparing my inside to the outward appearances of others will ALWAYS set me up for failure.
as unrelated as the two of those notions may seem, at first glance, i see how they play off on each other, at least in my life. i am one of those who has met with both some financial and social success, across the course of my recovery. it is true, i have a very comfortable life, and it is also true, that this life is a consequence of living a life in active recovery. yes i did say consequence, because despite popular opinion, all consequences are not negative, which of course is a value judgement and discussion better suited to another time. where was i, before i diverted myself? oh yeah, success because i am in recovery, not despite being here. had i chosen to return to the life, once the sword had been lifted, i am more than certain, barring winning the lottery, i would be in some dead-end job, in a rented room, high and devoid of hope. i would have been telling myself, it was not my fault, and i would have had another one, to salve my savage breast. here is when i could launch into an inventory of what i do have and how grateful i am for all of those material gifts. fast-forwarding to the end of that thought -- YES i am grateful for all the material things i have, the people who love me, and i can love in return and the wealth of experience that each day cleans brings to my life. maybe not a rainbow, but certainly a daisy or two.
which brings me to the second part, because i am an addict, and because i have achieved some success, the self-centered, self-serving part of me, sees that as not enough, especially when i look at more materially blessed members of my peers in recovery. there is where the human emotion of envy starts to take over and warp my perceptions of the world in two directions, one that i am not good enough to have what they have and two, they got it by less than ethical or savory means, so i can look down at them with a smug superiority that because they cheated, i am a better person. as you can see, a losing battle and one that has consequence that i do not find desirable.
so as long as i keep my addiction in check i am okay. i know comparing my lot in life to others, is part of the human condition, which i will always be. i know that envy starts there, but addiction takes it much further than it needs to be and creates a whole world that is alien to my experience, and i will also, always be an addict. the foil to this dilemma, is to remember the spiritual wealth i have achieved, and not compare myself to the spiritual appearances of others. i just need to be secure in the fact, that i am better of emotionally and spiritually today, BECAUSE of the fellowship that is my home, not despite it. anyhow, one of the gifts i have, is being gainfully employed and it is time to sign-off and gratefully head over to that job, for another day of earning my keep. yes one day at a time i am getting better and even though it may or may not show up in my bank statement, it shows up in my serenity and the ability i have to deal with life on life's terms, just for today.

∞ DT ∞