Blog entry for:

other than freedom from active addiction, what more do i really need? honestly, i never even considered myself in need of being freed from active addiction, so when i transitioned to the fellowship that has become my recovery life, i felt ripped off -- after all, in that other fellowship the had 12 or so promises. today i understand and am grateful for having that promise come true, especially the side-effect of losing my DESIRE TO USE. i always wonder what it is that makes me different from my peers, who still have the desire to use after long stretches of clean time and recovery. i do not ly awake at nights worrying about that fact, to tell the truth, like thoughts of using, seeking out the differences are mostly fleeting and without consequence.
yes, i am clean today and yes i have decided that just for today, i will live a program of recovery. i am often dumbfounded by the level of entitlement some of my peers who have been “around” seem to demonstrate. when i got lean, i EXPECTED my life to get better and believed i was entitled to the cars, the relationships, the friendships, the camaraderie and the money, that those members who arrived before had. if they had those, then DAMMIT i was entitled to that same level of success, in all areas of my life. i grew resentful and impatient and turned into quite a whiner about how things were not happening for me, especially once i started an actual program of recovery. all i seemed to get is the loss of my desire to use and freedom from active addiction and that was hardly enough. fast forward through several thousand days clean and i see a shift in my perspective. i get what i work for, BECAUSE, today i live free from active addiction and choosing not to use, is my default way of life.
i still may not have the material trappings of a successful life, but i do have two gifts beyond measure 🢅 a sense of being worthy to do the work to get the material things i think i desire and the FAITH that if i do what i have been taught to do, i NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN, JUST FOR TODAY. that seem the easy part, as i have no desire to do so, and that would be the gift that i wish i could give to each and every one of my peers, newcomers and old-timers alike. it is what it is, and with that i think i will go suss out my last issue with my code audition.

∞ DT ∞