Blog entry for:

freedom from active addiction, the solution that eluded me for so long. although i did not believe that i needed to be freed from anything when i got here. ironic how things in my life ended up turning out.
the first fellowship, that was my primary source of recovery, way back when, offers all sorts of promises, about what is supposed to happen after i have worked the first nine steps. more than once a week, someone would read that section out of their literature and share about how they had or had not come to pass. after a while i began to feel entitled to those promises and was more than a bit bitter and cynical, when they did not materialize for me the second i finished making the last amends that i could make.
it really was a good thing, that not too many months later, i woke up and smelled the coffee of the fellowship that has become my home. living life as a hyphenated recovering person, splitting my time and loyalties between two fellowships, and not allowing myself to be a part of either one, nearly killed me, and during that time, i did my damnedest NOT to recover or find freedom from active addiction.
i have been given so much more than just that FREEDOM, but in those days when everything looked bleak and it looked like self-will was going to strip me of all i had, that FREEDOM and the freedom to choose, filled me with enough gratitude, sometimes barely enough, to realize that at least i was not on my hands and knees on the floor, looking for that next hit and hoping i was a bit careless with my last one. at least in those times, i still had a source of strength and a direction, IF i was willing to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to actually care for my will and my life. and at least in those times, i had the love and support of my peers in recovery to show me the direction i could take. and today, that promise is still coming true, all i have to do, is the next right thing, which right here and right now is to hop in the shower, and head on up to Loveland to get some ducats in my pocket. as i sit with some guys tonight being politically incorrect, while smoking cigars, i will remember back top the day, when that would not have been possible, just because ACTIVE ADDITION was my life and my raison d'etre!

∞ DT ∞