Blog entry for:

of my recovery cannot be measured by my bank balance, my popularity, my toys, my stoicism or my job. no matter how many times i was told that those things matter, as i was growing up and living in active addiction, what i have come to believe that those things may be nice, BUT DO NOT reflect in any way, the progress i am making through this recovery process. i am quite materialistic and i want stuff, even as i try and remove stuff from my home. i can be jealous and envious of those in my life who have more stuff, and quite honestly when i compare myself to them, i always end-up losing, even if i can say i have stronger and more consistent recovery than they seem to have. i know when i go there, i am trying to shore up my self-worth, even though it really does not require any external boosts, on most days. what this leads to, is a process of admitting i have wronged myself, taking responsibility for doing so and seeking what it was that made me go down this path, regardless of knowing the outcome before i started. so, miracle or not; gift of GOD or not; recovery is certainly how i grew to be okay with myself in real-time.
what the reading this morning brought up for me, was that my DESIRE to have stuff and my jealousy and envy of those who have stuff were certainly more obstacles in the way of my decision to seek happiness. where i went was that jealousy and envy are “feelings” and here it comes, wait for it, I AM POWERLESS over what i feel. ta-da, nicely and neatly i gave myself permission to continue to wallow in jealousy and envy. for me, however, i see jealousy and envy in a similar manner to shame. i see all three of those feelings as being “self-manufactured” and not actually valid responses to the world around me. jealousy and envy come from desire and desire is something my addiction knows how to work. when i let go of DESIRE, it is amazing how much healthier i feel and how much better i behave. it is not jealousy and envy that are interfering with my decision to seek happiness, it is DESIRE and addiction. and DESIRE is something i have power over, addiction, not so much. i do know, however on my journey to become what i have always wanted to be, i can work on toning down my DESIRE and allow the power that fuels my recovery, to manage my addiction, just for today.

∞ DT ∞