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okay, i got to admit it, i am not a miracle seeking sort of guy. the fact that i have a whole bunch of of days clean is the result of a program of recovery, where i have made my home. it took work, determination and a whole lot of support from my peers. if one considers the sort of person i was and still can be, when i do not live an active program of recovery, it might seem that the incredible and improbable, could look quite “miraculous.”
at my home group this morning, i was given the opportunity to let go of the notion that some of my peers do not always see others for what they really are. over the past few weeks i have been hearing over and over again that one of my peers seemed on their way to being beatified as some sort of recovery saint. in fact i had taken to calling them ST. Anonymous, in my head. it is not my place to disabuse anyone of the notion that some of us, myself included, are very good about hiding who we really are, behind a patina of feigned kindness and concern, when someone may be looking. when we are on our own? well my true colors can start to show all over the place. if there are miracles in recovery, then my transformation from one who hides to one who is in the process of learning how to be genuine at all times, might be seen as one. i did not get clean to undergo a personality transplant procedure, and yet here i sit a minute later, as a person who does care about others and wonders how i can assist them in their journey.
what am i walking away with this morning? a sense of keeping what i may or may not know about someone on the down-low, is not a bad thing and it certainly will not kill me. a celebration that i stayed clean through what has felt has been the worst fifteen months of my life. a sense of wonder how someone like myself could have the desire to be a better person, when once upon a time he believed he was complete and whole. i also need to do a shout-out to the POWER that fuels my recovery. that POWER provides for me, what i cannot provide for myself, certainly the power to make it through another Just For Today, clean and a bit less crazy than yesterday.

∞ DT ∞