Blog entry for:

over addiction, not my personal behavior.
when i was growing up there was a popular comedy bit, that always ended with **the devil made me do it!** although similar in nature to that piece of comedy, one of my favorite laments at times is about how i am a victim of addiction and thus it is the addict within, who needs to bear the responsibility for my bad behavior. an addict version of multiple personality syndrome, to quickly deflect blame away from once again. familiar and comfortable behaviors die hard, i have discovered, and the more protecting the behavior is, the tighter i cling to it. living my life by default, whining about how i behave differently than i want to, and chalking it up to the addicted human condition, was once comforting, but these days not so much. flipping the powerless bit is something i do less and less, as i accept the fact that addiction is not some alien that has invaded me, nor am i puppet to its every whim, any more. that was once true, but i am much better than that today, so speaking of addiction in the third person, is no longer a huge part of my recovery. it is ironic that the very fact that allowed me to live up to my personal responsibilities is the one that was discouraged in the very beginning of my recovery journey. the whole addiction as a disease concept, seemed to be the start of a whole new blame game for me. while i was a victim of addiction when i walked into the rooms, after a bit of time, and not all that much, and some step work, that victimization. real or imagined, was just another excuse to not do the next right thing. so for today, i will remember that the little power i do have needs to be invested in a manner that i can be proud of, and if i find myself thinking after all i am only an addict, i know that i have once again abdicated my power and am trying to avoid living up to the consequences.

∞ DT ∞