Blog entry for:

my days of recovery years feeling like a victim, is hardly ever on my **plan of the day.** as true as that may be, i still find whole swaths of my days, feeling exactly that way. this **ghost** of my **Christmas past** is a leftover from active addiction, where one of my survival skills was shifting the blame for how terrible things were in my life, to anyone or anything that appeared to be at least halfway rational. it worked just fine, back in the day and even in first few years of my actual recovery, it was a handy bit of side-work. in fact the notion of being powerless, played very well into that whole concept, as NOTHING could be my fault, after all i was “only an addict.”
the reading this morning drove this notion home, as i have been feeling that way lately, because of decisions, considered and quite reasonable, that has added a huge chunk of chaos into my life. as my significant other has a tendency to remind me, there are no victims here, mostly volunteers. when i choose to abdicate what power i do have or make decisions where i know the consequences may not be to my liking, i spiral down into my entitled sense of being the victim. last night, as we spoke of the events of my spouse's day, i volunteered for a road trip to Midland, Texas. i am fairly certain that trip is in my very near future and of course, i am going to whine and complain about having to make it. the fact of the matter is, it is the much better action than waiting around for someone else to take action. when i offered to take this action, i did not consider, i did not hem and haw and i did not even pause to pray. in that moment, it seemed like the next right thing to do, and in this moment, i still feel the same way. my head is telling me that the use of my limited resources, time and money, is not worth it. if i wait long enough, someone else will take care of it. my heart, however, is telling me that for everyone involved, it is the right course of action.
there will be a bit of wailing and gnashing of the teeth over the next few days, as my plans become more concrete and i am quite certain my whole “see what you made me do” paradigm will kick in and tear me apart, just like old times. my foil for that behaviors is to remember that some of the time the easier, softer way and the next right thing, may not appear to be the least resource intensive. there is no gnawing pain in my gut, as i consider what doing this is going to take, which for me, is a monumental good thing. i can drive 11 hours with my eyes closed, as my spouse said last night, at least figuratively anyhow. what is, is and what will be, will be. this morning i have some snow to sweep off my sidewalk, a doctor's appointment to go to and a bit of praise to heap on my team mate at work, who ran the job we had to after-hours, with grace and expediency. somewhere in all of that, i need to consider myself and be okay with what my life looks like today, and if something is within my power to correct, take care of it, in real time, just for today.

∞ DT ∞