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things i have outgrown and whining about how that affects me, in a less than stellar manner, is certainly part of a very, very familiar set of behaviors. i have to admit, that when i sat this morning, it was the reading for tomorrow that i contemplated. instead of wring a “just for tomorrow” sort of post, i am going to wing this one, after all, i am only a victim of my mistakes, when i choose to be.
i am certainly all about conserving the little personal power i do have, and get really, really angry at myself when i cede that over to someone else. lately, that anger has been spilling out at my parents's home as i continually allow my Mom to “make me feel” disrespected, less than and taken for granted. i know that she is who she is and totally oblivious to how she treats me and yet, on a daily basis i walk into her how to “help” out, waiting for the slight i know is coming. after that happens, i can be all self-righteous and feel justified, shutting down and walking out of their house in a “huff.” i get to go home and complain to my spouse about how “terribly” i was treated, furthering my illusion that i actually have any power over how i am treated. what i do have power over, my own personal power, is not sliding down into the pit of self-pity and blame. she is certainly not going to change from being an emotionally-stunted, self-involved victim of her medical conditions, any time soon. with that realization, i can maintain and sustain my personal power, by not allowing her to suck any positive energy from me. in other words, i can stop giving her any of my personal power and move on.
this morning, as i get to the place where i can wrap this up and get my first workout in ten days, in the great outdoors, i can see why i wanted to skip over this reading, as it was just what i NEEDED to hear this morning. it may not have been intentional for me to jump over personal responsibility and go to self-pity, but it was certainly instructive, as today is yet another day that i choose to head up the hill to their home and offer my assistance. perhaps, and yes i know that this may be a pipe dream, i can hold on to my personal power and let go of her stuff in a moment of surrender, acceptance and yes even a bit of tolerance. she is not going to take on any responsibility for her life and i refuse to take on that which she will not. i will own what is mine and move along down the road, to another day and a better place, just for today.

∞ DT ∞